14Sep

Coma vs. Decapitation

I’m tired of writing about transition. I’m tired of writing about the work-life shuffle. I’m tired of writing about lack of inspiration, and I’m beyond tired of writing about me… which leads to mornings like today’s when I stare at my computer screen and censor my intuition comatose.

I’ve blogged on and off since 2002 (and before that, many of my journal entries found their way into friends’ inboxes) because of a need, every bit as basic as hunger, to experience my world and community through words. Writing for me is half instinct and half response, and there is a custom flavor of satisfaction reserved for distilling my thoughts into language. You’ve savored some form of it too, yes?

However, I have no love for the spotlight, and I wish that authenticity would let me focus on someone else. I would happily post on topics of others’ choosing if I could face the splintery aftermath of forcing wooden words through heart channels. If it were in any way possible, I would cheerfully disassociate from my own cerebrum and find someone more interesting [diverse/confident/fashionable/fill in the ______] to be.

But you already know this, of course… and remembering that you’ve already read a thousand variations on this theme leads to afternoons like this when I give up on censoring and simply close my computer screen altogether.

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7 comments

  1. Oh, NO! Don’t close your computer!! I love reading your delicious words, and I love you sharing about YOU. That is why I started coming here…to get to know YOU. And I love you! OPEN THE COMPUTER. WRITE ABOUT ANYTHING. I will laugh, or cry, or relate, or ALL THREE! xoxoxo

  2. Oh boy do I ever relate. Especially this week. I simply want to crawl into bed and sleep for days. 🙂 Close your computer if you need to, but promise you’ll come back just as soon as you’re ready. Cuz we need and love you and the thoughts you share with us. 🙂

  3. you and you alone are who we find interesting, beloved, and love hearing from.
    <3

  4. i think i’ll be writing about and dwelling in and lamenting the process of change till heaven.

  5. oops … clicked enter too soon … when i enter my website it doesn’t post … but i am real and authentic, or was last time i ck’d … no obligation, but to prove i’m me: http://www.blendingame.blogspot.com

  6. Oh darling. Be patient with yourself. You are going through a lot of changes and it will take longer than a week or two to steady yourself and feel like you’re still at the helm of the mothership…aren’t I funny? I totally understand feeling like you’re tired of talking about YOURSELF and all that. My life is beautifully quiet and boring most of the time, hence the silence on my own blog. Just know I admire you so much and love your kind, true heart…and thankful I know there’s a YOU out there in this big wild world.

  7. Megsie – YES MA’AM. 😉 Thanks for the pep talk and the reassurance that I’m not boring anyone else comatose!

    Krista – It does help more than I remember to take a break (on purpose, guilt-free) and come back when I’m in a less neurotic state of mind. Thanks, dear.

    Beka – The problem is that I don’t find myself interesting most of the time. 🙂 Hugs to you, dear.

    Ame – Writing through all the change helps a lot of days, but on others, it just makes everything feel more wearisome. Oh, and glad to know you’re authentic. 🙂

    Sam – “the mothership…” Oh, lady. You crack me up! You know though, the thoughts that swirl out of your own quiet life are like poetry to read; much love and admiration to you too.

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