21Mar

From the Other End of the Power Spectrum

Trigger warning: child abuse.

We were at a dinner party some time back when a conservative Christian dad at the table joked about how many hours he had to wait after his babies were born before he could begin spanking them. I immediately focused on my lap, not trusting myself to look at the man. I was afraid that one more glimpse of the self-satisfied grin on his face would sever every attachment I had to civility. I twisted my napkin into cardboard and tried not to listen the precious dinnertime chatter of his little girl with mine. Even after all these years, a child’s laugh can undo me, and no one wants a dinner party to turn into a nuclear meltdown.

I still think about what I would have said to the man had I been unable to keep a lid on my thoughts that day, but it’s a futile conjecture. For one thing, common sense says that no one’s mind is likely to be changed by a dinner party debate. For another, conservative Christianity usually holds that men’s opinions and theological interpretations are superior to those of women; God-given authority is a trump card that would have rendered my hand ineffective from the beginning. However, the most disturbing reason my words would have been discounted that day is that I have lived through child abuse. I would have been viewed as emotionally compromised and irrational because I have intimate knowledge of the topic at hand.

In the thirteen years since beginning to work through the repercussions of my childhood, I have heard two common reactions among fundamentalist Christians when the word “abuse” is attached to fundamentalist Christian practices:

  1. “I’m so sorry that you were abused, but your situation was extreme; what I do isn’t abuse.”
  2. “You have a distorted and psychologically imbalanced perspective of what constitutes abuse; you are making up this victim mentality for your own selfish gain.”

One response sidesteps blame; the other flings it back. Neither acknowledges the victim’s validity as a first-person witness or the relevance of his or her first-person pain.

Perhaps I should take a step back and clarify what I mean by abuse, especially within a Christian context. I work by a very simple definition of “abuse”—using a position of power to harm another person.Therefore, sexual abuse is forcing sexual harm on another person, physical abuse is forcing physical harm on another person, and spiritual abuse is forcing spiritual harm on another person. The first example is universally accepted as horrific, but the latter two are especially prevalent within fundamentalist religious lifestyles.

Take the concept of “divine authority” assumed by many church leaders, husbands, and fathers, especially throughout the Patriarchy Movement in which I grew up. Wielding a position of spiritual power, these men can manipulate their congregants or families into serving them, submitting to them, and accepting their every word as truth. Actually, I see very little difference between spiritual abuse and the more mainstream emotional variety; they both employ shame, withheld approval, verbal aggression, and intimidation. Spiritual abuse is simply emotional abuse on God’s letterhead.

The harmful effects of spiritual abuse might be difficult to quantify, but they’re real enough to those who face the herculean task of working through them. I can personally attest to just how mentally and emotionally draining it can be to push back against the teaching that you are inferior in God’s eyes. Imagine having your sense of who-you-are systematically destroyed while your protests are decried as sin and then having a new, subservient identity installed in its place. No more freedom to think for yourself or make your own decisions, no relief from the fear that you will anger God (or his henchmen), no confidence, no autonomy, no self-worth—these are the effects of spiritual abuse, and no matter how often the term “godly authority” is thrown around, bullies are bullies are bullies THE END.

Physical abuse is a less obvious practice of fundamentalist Christianity, but brave souls like Elizabeth Esther have done much to raise awareness of the parenting techniques often endorsed as God’s will and focused on breaking the child’s. By spanking their children for infractions ranging from direct disobedience to grumpiness, many parents believe that they are training them in accordance with the Bible, and some actually believe that spanking will save their children from hell. While I grant that most parents would never take this philosophy to the extremes that have landed a few families on primetime news, and while I do not think that spanking one’s children indicates a lack of love, I would like to bring up the following points that shape my thinking on the topic:

  • Can we be honest that “spanking” is simply a euphemism for an adult striking a child? If a child repeatedly strikes another child, whether it be with a stick or a pipe or his hand, we call it “hitting.” If an adult does the same to another adult, we call it “beating.” When an adult does it to a child as a disciplinary tactic, we call it “spanking” and often overlook violence that would disturb or anger us in different settings.
  • Inflicting physical pain on children can certainly condition their behavior and subdue their independence as promised by spanking proponents like Michael Pearl, but it neither imparts a change of heart nor teaches anything specific about the behavior being punished. Some parents say they are teaching their children self-control, but spanking is not a natural consequence of any choice a child might make, so I would argue that their children are learning coping strategies rather than genuine self-control. (Protective coping strategies I picked up as a child include lying, redirecting attention toward a sibling, and hiding.)
  • While some Bible verses from the Old Testament book of Proverbs can be (and are) used in defense of spanking, Jesus both speaks at length about and demonstrates in person what loving our fellow human beings should look like. He preaches non-violence and inspires people to changes of heart through kindness. He flips notions of power and authority on their heads, and just in case we might not think his teaching applies to how we treat children, he gathers a group of unruly kids into his arms and tells us that his kingdom belongs to them. When in doubt over the Bible’s seemingly contradictory teachings, I go with Jesus.
  • Spanking depends on parents’ sheer physical dominance (or, in the case of older children/teens, parents’ ability to withhold food, shelter, human interaction, etc.) to purposefully cause pain to those in their care—using a position of power to harm another person. Beyond the fact that this sends a deeply confusing message to children, who themselves are not allowed to use physical dominance to get their way, it fully fits the definition of abuse.

I realize that criticizing a popular parenting technique like this is not too far off from coming unglued at a dinner party. To be honest, I’ve put off writing about this for a long time because I didn’t want to face the effects, both the emotional strain of dialing up my childhood and the potential backlash from parents who feel attacked. It would be fifty shades of hypocritical for me to tell others what they should believe and how they should raise their own children, and “abuse” is not a word that can be applied lightly. I’m wading through serious territory here.

But the seriousness of abuse is precisely why I’m taking the chance to speak up today. Spiritual Abuse Awareness Week is bringing survivors out of the woodwork, and I’m standing up with them—not because I enjoy playing the poor pitiable victim or because I want to spread another layer of guilt on this grace-starved world but because the truth matters. You deserve to hear the whole story, the practical conclusion to bookshelves’ worth of theory, the reality on the other end of the power spectrum. You deserve to know the emotional impact of philosophies that many people accept as God’s will despite their misgivings.

In turn, I trust you to accept my perspective as valid rather than irrational or compromised by my being “too close” to the subject. This isn’t an FBI investigation we’re talking about; it’s life. It’s experience. It’s the intersection of theology and practice, the correlation between what we believe and how it affects others. If we believe in a God of love and grace and peace, then we need to be closely examining philosophies that produce the opposite, and that means listening to the uncomfortable stories, taking them to heart, and working to right wrongs however we can.

Here is my own uncomfortable story: I am a survivor of child abuse. Under the approval of fundamentalism and the Patriarchy Movement, I endured years of severe spiritual and physical abuse, including some that veered over the line into sexual abuse. I helped the perpetrators to cover it up, even when instinct screamed at me to protect myself and my younger siblings. (That dinner party joke about spanking infants is no joke, and I don’t know if I can ever fully forgive myself for the things I enabled through my silence.) I grew up fearful and ashamed, with helpless fury often spiraling downward into depression. I battle those same feelings in adulthood, with the addition of panic attacks and other physical manifestations of PTSD, and there is not a single aspect of my daily life that is not affected in some way by what I endured as a child. Not one.

My saving grace has been a long, slow discovery that God is not the mastermind behind my abuse. I’ve had to shed thousands of assumptions along the way, prying my clenched fingers from fears and shames that I had thought were part of my identity, and there are thousands still to go, but I know that the divine source of light and love is not responsible for the way power was used to hurt me all those years. I do struggle heavily with why God allowed the abuse to happen, but it comforts me to think that he didn’t send down preventative lightning bolts from heaven for the same reason that he didn’t make me spend the rest of my life in a falsely constructed identity: because he does not abuse his power. He doesn’t force or manipulate or use his position to demand subservience. He is about as far from the patriarchal standard as a deity could get.

And in coming to recognize this, I’ve been able see ways in which God was with me all along—providing moments of comfort and flashes of joy, stopping me at the brink of suicide, guiding me toward a life far, far away from my past and its triggers where I can heal in peace. I know it doesn’t make sense to some people that I would have anything to do with the God whose name was plastered all over the abuse I endured. However, uncovering God’s real identity is helping me more than anything else to uncover my own, and if this makes me emotionally compromised, then I’ll wear the stigma proudly.

This is my uncomfortable story, this is my song. (Part 2, about parenting after abuse, here.)

~~~

More uncomfortable story-songs from this week:

The Day I Died by Caleigh at Elora Nicole

Paved With Good Intentions by Hännah Ettinger

God is Love by Sarah Moon

The Cult That Changed Everything by Kiery King

How Spiritual Abuse Has Affected Me by Jessica Bowman

Spiritual Abuse and How It Shaped My Identity at Defeating the Dragons

After Steubenville by Ann Voskamp

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8 comments

  1. Dear friend, thank you for putting into words things that continue to rankle in my soul. I cannot share your faith in a God of love, but I’m glad that you are finding some peace and understanding in your own faith. I’m glad that you are able to see love through all the hell you went through. XO You are so courageous to share this deeply personal and painful story. XO

  2. Bethany,
    I can only imagine how difficult it was to write this post. How much courage it must have taken. I feel such regret? sympathy? sadness. Yes, sadness that you began your life in such a hellish way. The strength you have to have endured and triumphed is immeasurable. I have nothing but admiration, adoration and awe to share. You are amazing. And, I think that God may be using your voice to spread his (or her) voice to everyone that believes the misconception of “patriarchy”.

    Sending you love and a prayer for peace in your beautiful soul. xoxo

  3. My dear friend,
    I don’t know whether to cry or hug you or give a standing ovation, or build a shrine to you and this post. I’m laying in bed in a motel in Santa Cruz and want to run into the streets of this unfamiliar city and read this post out loud to any who will hear. This post (and your next one which I read first) are outstandingly brave, and you humble me with your clarity, courage, and grace. I’m honored to know you and love you more each day.

    Take deep, sweet breaths, friend. Exhale. Well done. Your words electrify and heal. I love you.

  4. You said it correctly, God has power but he does not abuse it. Yet he still disciplines people.

    You can discipline in love, you can spank in love. There are definitely people who don’t, they let their anger get the better of themselves and strike out, out of malice. But there are people who wait till they are angry no more and then discipline their children, out of love.

    There are definitely those who abuse the power they are given by being parents, but you are making an over simplification of a complicated human interaction.

  5. If you haven’t read Heartfelt Discipline by Clay Clarkson I highly recommend it. He examines the popular Christian cultural beliefs of spanking and shows how the common interpretation isn’t Biblical. I found it to be extremely freeing as a Christian parent.

  6. BRAVA!!!!!!! You win all the awards for this post. And I LOVE you.

  7. Krista – Thank you, sweet friend. Sometimes I feel like that peace and understanding have grown *despite* my faith, and I know you understand. xo

    Megsie – Your sadness on my behalf means the world. Thank you so much for cheering me on and for seeing such grand purpose and potential in my words. You’re a lifter-upper like none other.

    Rain – I’ll take every bit of that tearful standing ovation running through the streets hug. My trailblazer. <3

    Anon – I tried to clarify in my post that I don't think spanking shows a lack of love, but perhaps that didn't come through as clearly as I'd hoped. I in no way wanted to seem like I was criticizing parents' motives for spanking… only the method itself. I would also like to gently suggest that God does not inflict pain on us in order to change our hearts. I know not everyone believes that way (and the Old Testament raises plenty of tricky questions), but it is both my understanding and my personal experience that God leads us to repentance through kindness. Whether you agree or not, I appreciate your taking the time to share your thoughts!

    Jennifer – I haven’t read that, but it’s going on my book list stat. Thanks so much for the suggestion!

    TLA – Your comment made me smile all over. Mwah.

  8. I found your blog via yiur comment on my post at Micha’s, and have been nosing around. This stuff yiu’re writing about abuse is so clear and compelling – and though my background is not the same, I have had enough sniffs of abuse in my life to know its stench. My particular battle at the moment is in trying to convince the medical community to believe I’m ill. I happen to have a ‘controversial’ illness (you don’t want to develop one of those) whereby some doctors believe it has a physical organic origin and others believe that if I stop lying around in bed and do some exercise I will get better, and it must be because I am somatising some secret trauma that I’m not admitting to myself that I am ill. (I have trained as a counsellor – I found enough trauma without having to go looking for secret stuff).

    The situation’s different but the dynamic is the same – ‘you can’t possibly speak about your situation because we know better than you’. It’s maddening, and sometimes it beats you down.

    I love seeing the photos of you and your beautiful children. I also do gentle disciplining of my boy. My friends who spank their kid look just the tiniest bit envious when they see that we’re not hitting ours, but it still ‘works’. 🙂

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