Mortification Monday, v. 1.0 (Disclaimers here)
Chapter 4: Underlining Love!!!
When we last left our protagonist, she was dealing with prophetic visions of marrying another man. Paisley ties were involved, and horrors abounded, horrible horrors of a genitalian nature. I know you all have been in suspense these last two weeks, wondering if Bethany’s fate is indeed sealed. Has Igor Dreamboat’s destiny as her husband been dashed upon the rocky shores of Southern Baptistism? (Deep breath now…)
Thursday, February 20th 1 (Age 12)
“Tonight was the [2] play. I am [lead female character], and Igor was my husband again.3 He has been each time for the 3 plays we’ve done so far. But I don’t really mind.4 I’ve liked Igor ever since I first saw him, many years5 ago. Mrs. Dreamboat has been desperately trying to make a match of us since she first saw me6, and I’m sure that he likes me. He has said that he would pick me to marry out of the 12 girls in our class, and he acts like he likes me if putting his arm around me and looking straight into my eyes, and talking like he likes me,7 means anything. It does to me. I really, really like him.8 He’s really sweet.9”
1 Technical note: This journal entry was written exactly one (1) day after the nightmare entry. Apparently, since the nausea-inducing marriage did not, in fact, “come to pass” within 24 hours of my dream, I was in the clear. Or, there’s a remote possibility that I slightly exaggerated my panic of the previous day… Not that I am was ever dramatic or anything…
2 Name of play deleted in order to yadayadayada, etc.
3 Class, we call this “foreshadowing.” Also “literary irony.”
4 Again with the saintly not-mindingness… Obviously, my passion ran deep.
5 And–are you all taking notes?–we call this “hyperbole.”
6 I was only five when she first saw me, and her enthusiastic praise of my good behavior MAY not have been a direct invitation to marry her son… but otherwise, this statement is the plain and unembellished truth.
7 Guys, are you paying attention? Forget talking dirty. Talking like you like a girl is the most direct way to convey your love and secure a place in her heart diary. Spread the word!
8 Really.
9 Really.10
10 Listen up, class. Sometimes, underlining can be used to emphasize a word. We call this a “rhetorical device.” Other times, underlining can be used to emphasize the point that you are a twelve-year-old girl who needs a social life, a bigger chest, and a double dose of Valium ASAP.
Next time on Mortification Monday: I objectively psychoanalyze our relationship — without underlining a single word!
hahaha. What woman could possibly NOT relate to this? I really love this series. REALLY.
Not a single word? How are we supposed to take that seriously as the journal entry of a 12-year-old girl?
*also wonders if you might have received an email or two from me in the last few weeks*
**and dislikes the fact that the comment box won’t allow me to underline for emphasis**
…and I patiently wait conflict… however, in the meantime I am much amused.
🙂
Frankie – You mean OTHER teenage girls have also been ridiculously infatuated with guys for no apparent reason? No way!
Tom – Well, don’t worry; the underlining doesn’t stay away for long. Oh, and *hangs head in shame* You have a reply e-mail now.
Jesse – What makes you think there will be conflict? I mean, it’s not like we broke up 12 times in the following couple of years or anything! (Note to self: Must stop giving the plot away ahead of time…)