18Feb

Sacred to Silence

I’m sitting in the gym café while the girls hip and hop their funky little hearts out upstairs. Behind me, espresso cups clatter their way to the dishwasher, which swishes steadily behind the occasional train-blast of the milk steamer. All around me, voices upon voices—soccer buddies jostling for sandwiches to fill the bottomless void of their teenage stomachs, trainers discussing workout plans with seat-shifting clients, children playing Rabid Banshee Tag while their mothers chat and pretend not to notice the other patrons huffing in their direction, P!nk expressing her punchy brand of heartache over the speakers. One hour ago, I was teaching English to a room full of first- and second-graders whose speaking voices, as any elementary teacher knows, are approximately the same volume and pitch as rioting cats, and before that, there was the unsuccessful attempt to nap to the groove of our friendly neighborhood jackhammer.

Folks, I’m all noised out.

I think that this, more than anything, explains why I was so supportive of Dan’s plan to give up television shows for the month. Here’s the truth of things—we’re work-from-homers and small-child-wranglers, and there is nothing as mind-numbingly delicious at the end of a day as sinking into the sofa cushions and zoning out to a good murder mystery, or two… or three… But that was where the problem was, because no number of charmingly predictable plot-lines was sufficient to empty our minds of the day’s noise. The television just piled on top of it, muffling rather than quieting, and reasonable bedtimes would come and go without us ever quite managing to zone our way into tranquility.

So we gave up the numbing agent that never actually numbed, and that first evening, after corralling the kids into bed, Dan and I stood looking at each other like strangers on Mars. What was he doing there? What was I doing there? What is proper etiquette on Mars anyway? Does this other life-form even speak English? In the end, the only thing we knew to do with our tired selves was to put them to bed.

Let me tell you, it doesn’t take many evenings of awkward alien stare-downs with one’s own spouse to realize how desperately your habits need a facelift. There has been so much noise in our life, so much self-inflicted distraction, that we haven’t noticed the other’s voice was missing. And now, with the silence stretching between us like a foreign sandscape, we have to relearn what to do with it. How to shape our brainwaves and heartbeats into words. How to hear, really hear, the other’s meaning. How to be companionably silent together again.

In fact, I’m having to relearn how to be companionably silent with myself as well. My mind has been startling into retreat, doe-like, from the auditory clutter around me, and there has been no space for the gentle osmosis of grace. God and I have been communicating like we’re on opposite sides of a train yard. My heart’s ears are ringing as if this clattering, steaming, banshee-ing café were my whole wide world, and as much as I’d like to drown out the ringing, to muffle it with noise of my own choosing and numb every tired molecule of my being into oblivion, I know I need something different.

I need deliberate quiet, at least for now, at least until the ringing stops. I need to arrest my finger on its way to the play button and let running dishwater be the only soundtrack to my thoughts. I need to stand under the sky at least once a day and breathe it in, like I did as a child, until I’m spinning from my own smallness. I need to resurrect the art of question-asking and practice listening to hear. I need to combat tiredness with sleep (novel concept, I know) and loneliness with intention and all the many, many inescapable noises of everyday life with moments held sacred to silence.

Honestly, I don’t know that a month without television shows is going to be enough.

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4 comments

  1. I’m with you. In every way. It’s been a week since I went off FB. Not because it’s bad, but because I couldn’t handle the noise, the incessant voices that were drowning out my own and making me feel like I couldn’t handle things anymore. I’m letting the voices back in a little at a time, but only a little. This morning I sit in our farmhouse, no music, no TV, just the ticking of the clock and the humming of my computer as I read and write and just be. I was recently diagnosed with severed PTSD and depression, and that jolted me like nothing else. We must take care of our dear selves. Must.

  2. Truth: I read every word you write. And sometimes I may be a little jelly at how articulate and word-crafty you are. Then I remember that I supposed to just be ME and I carry on. But, seriously woman? You are so gifted.

  3. oh love. i hear you, whisper to whisper. these days i look like the drooling, straggly-haired, half mad but mostly comatose woman staring out of the window in room 1133. “is she alive?” strangers murmur in passing. i don’t really know what to tell them.

    sending love and silent kisses.

  4. Krista – I hear you, hun. Silence can be so startling but so healing at the same time, and I hope so much that it’s having that effect on you. <3

    Erika – Good grief, THAT, coming from YOU? Woman of mad literary art skillz? I'm honored and thrilled and mostly just glad that you'll continue being you after all. 🙂

    Rain – I wish I could curl up with you on a window seat and whisper together in person. It would do my soul good. Love to you too.

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