Enough time has passed since I’ve written about religion to revisit it, right? I usually imagine blog readers running for the hills at the first whiff of a controversial subject… but controversy is not what I’m carrying around these days. Instead, I’m wandering through new spiritual territories with a backpack of honesty and little else, and you’re more than welcome to come along.
Church was one of the first topics I wrote about on this blog, and though we’ve changed continents and denominations in the meantime, little has changed. Our current church fits me like a glove… on my ear. A few of the points make actual contact with me—for instance, the friendly people and the bustling social functions—but the rest flops senselessly off the side of my head. Nothing about the services connects with me, not a single song or prayer or message. The only bit of liturgy I find meaningful is the entire congregation sharing a glass of wine and a loaf of bread. I love the unity it symbolizes (and relax, no one that I know has contracted a sanctified strain of mono as a result), though I think the original intent of the Lord’s Supper would translate better to sitting down to a meal together and reminiscing about Christ. (Side note: Dan and I once suggested doing that at our home in the States, which, heresy alert!!! Apparently, bread and Jesus are only compatible within church walls, officiated by an ordained minister. Our bad.)
The thing is, one can’t exactly be picky about churches in a country with extremely limited options. Unless we want to attend a Catholic church, which studies show would turn me into a prune within the month, we’re left with a missionary-run Baptist church (no offense to missionaries or Baptists, but ::shudder::) and ours—part of the Italian Brethren network. It is sincere and brim-full of warm-hearted people I’m thrilled to know… yet my Sunday mornings still trickle down the drain.
Here’s what I don’t need one drop more of: scare tactics, sin management, crucifixion details, calls to repentance, shadows of doubt, words found in the King James Bible, theoretical sermons, fire-and-brimstone, self degradation, righteous anger, controversy, squabbles over which side of the stage the piano is placed, “preacher voice,” hard-backed pews, clichéd sentiments (“God is in control,” anyone?), or legalism.
And here’s what I’m parched for: conversation, open minds, collaborative creativity, practical messages in a practical format, spontaneity, field work, fresh ideas, meaningful-now traditions, questions, answers (or at least journeys toward answers), committed honesty, acceptance without conditions, extravagant generosity, and a tribe of soulsiblings (as Rachelle would say).
Is sitting through three hours of Same Old Religion every week worth the friendships I gain as a result? I think yes, it is… but I sure wish I didn’t have to feign participation to be part of our church group. The role of charlatan doesn’t suit me. I think often about a friend of ours, a former pastor, who caught this strain of religious disconnect and couldn’t keep up the pretense. He publicly announced his doubts about God and left the church under a shower of criticism I can only imagine. I find his choice incredibly courageous, incredibly sad, and incredibly not for me; I’m not ready to cut loose from the church, no matter how it fails to inspire me. But what other options exist for those of us with hearts and minds split down the middle, wide open and raw in the fresh air, unsure where to go from there? If and when I ever figure it out, I’ll be sure to put up a trail marker.
I’m reading quietly along when your “like a glove…on my ear” comment caught me uprepared and cast me whooping into the aisles. Just the kind of thing to set me off in church…*giggles*
I’m curious, do you go to an Italian church? Or are there any expat churches or services around there?
I do not think you know me, although we went to LU at the same time and I was friends (maybe acquaintance is a better word) with your husband. I was a biology nerd, and lived in ELH, but I so wish our paths had crossed. I found your blog through Sarah Jo and have been reading it for eight months or so. Anyway, I just wanted to post, finally, and say, right on sister! With your wonderful English nerdiness you say exactly how I feel and you do it with honesty and humor. I love your posts on religion, and heartily encourage you to continue your soul searching, because in doing so you are saying what the hopelessly jaded over-churched under-challenged need to hear.
Wow! So YOU are Bethany. I’ve heard SO much about you, and I think we’ve even met. I loved your post. We, too, have struggled with church all of our married life. I think we yearn for perfection when perfection has not yet come. But it will. I found you from Kelly’s blog. Greetings from LeT.
Liz – Yes, we go to an Italian church. I really prefer that to an ex-pat church as it gives us the opportunity to get to know Italians and be part of their culture. And anyway, I don’t imagine American-style churches doing much for me either. ::Gloom::
Kelly – I remember seeing you around at LU. Thanks for your comment; feedback like that is really what keeps me from crawling under a rock sometimes. 🙂 Don’t make yourself scarce!
Connie – Perfection would be nice, wouldn’t it? But like you said, we do have it to look forward to, one day. Thanks for stopping by!