16Nov

Write Fright

I should probably clarify after my last post—I don’t hate my job. Not even close. I get along well with my colleagues, I enjoy getting to know my students, and watching them improve in English holds a special satisfaction as all teachers know. However, the time factor simply isn’t sustainable for me. Teaching isn’t a job that can be done more quickly or efficiently to make time for other pursuits; when students pay for twenty hours, those twenty hours belong to them. Also, the job requires almost as many unpaid hours in lesson preparation, paperwork, travel, and office minutia as it does in paid ones. Throw in students’ schedule openings—usually only during evenings when my girls most need their mama and their mama most needs to unwind—and the stress of coordinating childcare when my husband’s traveling for work, and you have one headache of a lifestyle.

Possibly even more compelling is my realization that I’m only working for work’s sake, i.e. to earn something, keep my résumé current, pretend to be a bona fide adult, all the standard reasons responsible people sign over eight hours a day. I’m good at my job, but it drains rather than inspires, and I find myself increasingly resentful of the time it takes away from my real life, everything and everyone of big-picture significance to me. I can’t continue giving away the best of myself to what matters the least.

So Dan and I have a project in the works, a tangible form to one of the grand ideas I hinted at in my last post. I am equal parts terror and excitement. I am so tired from this year that I can hardly imagine summoning up the extra energy and enthusiasm this project will require, and I dread taking a risk that would dangle a very poignant kind of failure above my head. On the other hand, oh goodness am I looking forward to it. I’m desperate to dislodge my soul from my current routine, and this is an opportunity to dive back into my one wild and precious life rather than continue banishing it to the eternal waiting room of Someday. Even with my inner ‘fraidy cat protesting, it feels like the plunge into peace.

If it’s okay with you all, I’d like to take this opportunity to scream with fright, dance a little jig, and pour myself an extra coffee. It’s going to be a good winter.

Make mine a double

(Details are forthcoming; stay tuned!)

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7 comments

  1. shivers with excitement…..

  2. Whee!! go go go! 🙂 Now I’m all excited!

  3. Melissa@Permission

    “I’m desperate to dislodge my soul from my current routine, and this is an opportunity to dive back into my one wild and precious life rather than continue banishing it to the eternal waiting room of Someday.”

    O Goodness, I feel this too. SOOOOO tired of the waiting room of someday, so close to the change I can taste it, and so tired of the daily routine I could scream.

  4. i love that- “Even with my inner ‘fraidy cat protesting, it feels like the plunge into peace.”

    i’m going to pour myself an extra coffee, too. 🙂

  5. I am holding my breath! How exciting! When are you going to tell us?? When? WHEN???

    I am so happy for you! xoxoxo

    (*plus* I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before…does your workplace utilize SUBSTITUTES? That might be perfect! You only say yes when you want! Sorry to be so practical, but I just wanted that in your head.)

  6. I can’t wait to hear what’s up your sleeve! I just have to say, I’m really proud of you for realizing that your current job is not sustainable. Sometimes we have to do things to pay the bills but it doesn’t have to last forever, right? I know you will find the passion and energy…you are YOU, after all. Sending lots of good thoughts to you, my friend.

  7. It sounds wonderful, I don’t even need details (but want them of course!!)

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