The 2008 Summer Olympics are continuing to hurtle ahead at full speed, but only the infuriating sports are on Italian TV today—indoor cycling, fencing, the news. In an attempt to alleviate my own frustration AND shock you with my lack of sports expertise, I bring you my very first Olympic Live-Blog. You’re welcome.
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12:25p – The Russian Federation and Italy are duking it out on the fencing stage, and I am feeling ready to stab someone myself. Their costumes look like they haven’t been washed since Medieval times, and their helmets keep buzzing with neon lights like a cheap honky-tonk. I know absolutely nothing about fencing except that the word “foil” is used occasionally and the points are determined by a space chimp suffering from ADHD, so maybe this will be a good learning experience for me. Positivity!
12:26p – What I’ve learned: Fencing is basically a violent form of “Hokey-Pokey”: You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put your right foot in and STAB STAB STAB.
12:26p and 10 seconds – The players (fighters? rabid astronauts?) fly away from each other as if magnetically charged. Each of them seems to think he has won.
12:26p and 15 seconds – The match stops again on account of them both thinking they’ve scored.
12:26p and 21 seconds – Oy, this is getting old.
12:28p – I should really change my name to the Bethian Federation.
12:34p – Italy is upset. Seems that the new technological improvement of slow-motion replays is “subjective” and “unfair” and “tainting the beautiful art of fencing.” I suspect this is because it allowed the referee to see Italy losing. In slow-motion.
12:36p – The players are having their wires adjusted. I have a hard time seeing the problem with steroid use or transvestites when there are bionic athletes running around in dirty space suits stabbing each other.
12:39p – Something exciting has happened! Looks like the Italian contestant tried to tackle the Russian one but immediately jumped away with his hands up à la EVERY SOCCER PLAYER IN THE COUNTRY as if to declare his innocence. Unfortunately for him, the ref has slow-motion replay at his disposal and is not fooled. Side note: Fencing should be a full-contact sport; it would be vastly more interesting.
12:43p – One of the players is hitting himself in the head. In slow motion.
12:44p – This match seems to have degenerated into ballet. There are immoderate amounts of leaping, and I think the Italian has actually performed a pirouette. (Next up: Swan Lake, with machetes!)
12:47p – The stadium has just exploded. Italy has won the gold bronze in a final score turnaround of 45 to 44. The Italian player is alternately being tackled by ecstatic coaches and made out with by an ecstatic girlfriend. Better yet, as a result of all this excitement, the television commentator has finally raised his tone from comatose to audible!! I, personally, am just happy that the fencing is finally over. I’m ready to see glittery costumes and backwards somersaults and ponder the mystery that is rosin.
12:56p – The morning-sickness commercial is playing. It is for a ritzy brand of olive oil, which a pregnant woman is slathering onto her belly, then slopping up with a spongey bit of mozzarella. Excuse me while I go throw up forever.
1:00p – Oh happy day! Dan has just discovered an online channel that shows actual gymnastics—the first I’ve seen yet these Olympics. (Nastia who?) The Swiss contestant’s leotard is an enormous butterfly, and I think that fact alone has solidified gymnastics as a career choice for Natalie.
1:03p – The gymnast is running and glittering in her butterfly glory and jumping, and all is right with the world again—
1:03p and 5 seconds – Fencing. They switched back to fencing. IN THE MIDDLE OF HER JUMP. I can’t take any more of this.
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I caught snatches of Olympic coverage over the following hour, like the newswoman staring blankly into the camera for several minutes and Dan choking as the 100 meter hurdles winner was referred to as “one quarter redskin!” (The next winner was “black like ebony, very, very black!” Oh political correctness, wherefore art thou?) It’s a little disappointing to watch the Olympics in a country that doesn’t worship Michael Phelps or provide coverage during prime time or EVER SHOW GYMNASTICS or feature those endearing vignettes about athletes’ difficult childhoods (“Her dreams of fencing began to crumble when she was diagnosed with chronic good sense, but she refused to let that stop her…”). But you know? I’d take this over Bob Costas any day.
The End
Wow you get a perfect “10” or should I say a 16.50 (which brings up the question of who understands the new judging anyway?)for the fencing blow by blow-only all that hubba-loo was for a bronze instead of a gold medal-but hey forza Italia! We are doing good. I am really ticked about the gymnastics. I caught some of the vault but apparently there was also the floor exercise today and they didn’t show ANY of it. Grrr.
Oh, right you are. Thanks for the heads-up!
They have gymnastics in this Olympics? Really? Where?? (not showing in Sweden either…sigh. *returns to not paying attention to yet more swimming*)
All I can say is hooray for canadian broadcasting. NBC thinks that they will be able to draw a bigger audience if they save the 20 minutes of coverage that everyone wants to see for the end of their prime-time slot (10:30-11:00pm). Never mind that the results of those events have been on the internet for 15+ hours by then. And how many times can we listen to Bob Costas say, “Later, we’ll show you the one thing you are actually interested in seeing,” before every single commercial break. CBC on the other hand, has figured out that the stuff happening in China tomorrow morning fits just perfectly live in the early evening on the west coast.
Of course, some things are worth watching again when the show up on NBC six hours later.
I’ve been watching the Swiss Italian channel which has a marginally better schedule than the other chanels I’ve been surfing and did catch some gymnasitics. (And the Swiss German channel showed the entire vaulting competition because the Swiss chick was in it.) No, I don’t speak or understand Italian at all. But, you know, glory of sports transcends language blah blah blah.
Oh yeah, and thanks for stopping by and for your very kind comment!
Liz – We’re actually not getting too much of the swimming here… or maybe I’m just not watching at the right times? SO TIRED OF FENCING!!
Tom – Oh Canada!
Jennifer – I don’t really listen to the commentary either… Maybe I’ll try to watch the next Olympics from Switzerland?
In my praise of the canadian coverage, I think I forgot to mention how great you are as a sports reporter. I know it’s probably not the career you dreamed for yourself as a little girl, but “WOW!”
Well, I DO try to focus on all the important, technical things. You know, coming from my limitless knowledge of sport and all.