Wednesday, August 13: Day 6 of Vacation (Day 3 here, Day 4 here, Day 5 to come… perhaps)
I had been looking forward to our lunch invitation today, old friends of my husband’s seeming at once new and homey to me. They have a little boy now who would be both a common denominator in those first shaky get-to-know-you conversations and an instant playmate, and the wife cooked up a beautiful Venetian meal. But the visit began to crumble two minutes in when the little boy bit Natalie, severely and without provocation. A minute later, he yanked out a fistful of her hair, and as we were busy comforting her, he wrenched Sophie’s nose. He hit them over the head with toys. He scratched their faces and stabbed them with drumsticks. I stopped him from biting my nine-month-old upwards of 30 times, but he did manage to pull her hair and yank her around on a regular basis. I have never dried so many little tears in one day.
The duality of my feelings hit me after lunch as I stood holding a crying baby in one arm and a glass of chilled prosecco with the other. As a mother, I was hurt. You cannot watch your own children sob without feeling their pain ten times over. I wanted justice, which is mostly unheard-of in Italian parenting; couldn’t they put him in time-out or take away his toys or send him to toddler juvie? But as a woman and, more importantly, a friend, I understood that two-year-old boys can no more moderate their own frustrations than their mamas can apologize away the guilt. I felt so sorry for our friends who find themselves trapped with “un mostro”—a monster, their own baby—and couldn’t bring themselves to believe me when I said it would get better.
I guess the thing to remember is time. Because with just a wee dash of it, the girls’ bruises will heal. With a bit more, maybe a tablespoon or so, our friends’ boy will learn less violent ways to express himself. And after a while, once the sprinkling of hours pile up into a new layer of life, our friends—and quite possibly we too—will find that we have the guts to be parents after all.
Oh dear, what an awful situation! 🙁 I hope they will be comforted by realizing that what you said is true: it DOES get better. Most kids learn quite quickly, especially after they are put in the social situations of daycare/preschool, how to handle such impulses.
Swedish parenting doesn’t involve much discipline either…it was been a difficult realization for me as well, when my kids were small, and I still feel very much like I am the “mean mom” because I set boundaries for my children, especially in public.
You’ve touched on the long and short of it: “the guts to be a parent.”
Nice post.
Your posts are always so intriguing to me. I’m not a parent but I am a teacher whom shares a very special relationship with her students (many of which visist after graduation- bring their first boyfriends/ girlfriends for me to meet) and I have to tell you it was refreshing to read your experience. I am still constantly jarred by parents who refuse to be/act/perform as parents. You are right things get better – but the human beings we place into this world are often for the worst or the better due to the function or dysfunction of parenting. thanks for your sspost.
I read your post with a mixture of absolute amazement and horror; until I remembered that yes, there were times, years ago, when I was horrified by other childrens behaviour towards my son and daughter…it’s very painful as you said and I feel for you. I find it very hard to understand how the other parents can do so little.
I hope that the bruises will heal quickly, but your love and the hugs you give them will be helping, I know.
A very Well written SS- thank you for sharing it.
Bella 🙂
My SS is here:
http://bellamocha.wordpress.com/2008/08/17/sunday-scribblings-observations/
Two is such a difficult age and some kids go through it easier than others. Boy! do I remember. You are so kind to look at the trouble the other parents were having while your own kids were being hurt.
Interesting – it must be so hard for your friends to be the parent of the “naughty child”. How kind of you to show such sweetness and patience when your children were missing fistfuls of hair and had bite marks on them!
We have our own little monster — demon spawn we call him — who, thankfully, has grown out of much of this behavior. He never really took it out on other people’s children, but he sure did a number on my older ones and us. I love your understanding. I don’t know if I’d have as much myself.
I remember when my guys were that age. Hard. But with love, and a lot of redirecting, they did grow out of it… and rather quickly too.
Sadly, I have friends whose children did not grow out of it. Every kind of correction was tried with no result. After years of frustration, a diagnosis for one family. Autism. Their child will spend the rest of life in their home. And, even with this terrible news, behaviours did improve in ways because now they had help in learning how to communicate with this special child.
I applaud your patience, as well as your desire to protect your children. Both honorable
Touched by your post..
Has anything changed?