Euro2008 LIVE!

Lucky you! I’m live-blogging the Italy/Netherlands soccer match, though I don’t even know which cup it is. Is it a cup? I don’t know. Also, I know only a smidgen more than nothing about soccer, but my husband is out in his blue team jersey watching the game with a group of hardcore Italian buddies, and I’m hoping to impress him upon his return. So.

8:44 – The Italian team is singing the national anthem, which has exactly 472 stanzas. Every player knows every word, and most of them are singing with their eyes closed.

8:46 – The Netherlands team is not singing its national anthem. In fact, the players look extraordinarily bored, but at least the song is over in eleven seconds.

8:48 – Kick off! Do they say kick off in soccer? I don’t know.

8:49 – The commenter has RAISED HIS VOICE. SOMETHING EXCITING IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN, AND IT IS THIS: A SWEATY ITALIAN GUY IS ABOUT TO KICK THE BALL. WILL HE MAKE A GOAL?

8:49 and 30 sec. – No, he will not.

8:54 – Some Italian players just trampled a Dutch player. The crowd goes wild.

8:55 – Another Dutch player tramples himself, looks around for sympathy.

8:56 – Penalty kick for the Netherlands. The studly Italian goalie, who is the only player whose name I know, is shouting. Though I cannot hear him, there are wisps of obscenity-laced smoke spewing from his ears; I assume he is pissed. His name is Buffon (pronounced boo-PHONE), which I find funny because it looks so much like buffoon. Of course, other Italian players have names like “mattresses” and “shrimp,” so I’m sure he’s not complaining.

8:56 and 30 sec. – The Dutch player kicks, but Buffon catches the ball and tries to look cool like it was no effort at all. I understand. If I were a soccer player, my athletic ability would also be holding the ball in one hand and tossing back my long, sweaty hair in ease.

8:57 – An Italian player throws himself in the air to block a goal shot by the Netherlands and lands with his knees on two different sides of the field. This, my friends, is why my husband has a biomechanics job here.

8:58 – A Dutch player takes out an Italian one and runs away clapping. The Italian player bounces twice, contorts in agony unto death, and once he realizes no one is paying attention, jumps up to play again.

9:02 – Dutch player nearly scores, but Buffon runs out and trips him.

9:03 – Another Dutch player nearly scores.

9:04 – The Netherlands try (tries?) to score again, but kick (kicks?) the ball clear over the goal. No obscenities from the goalie this time, though if you ask me, the Dutch have been playing 400% better tonight. Maybe because they didn’t waste their strength singing the world’s longest national anthem.

9:07 – I stopped paying attention for a while, and now Italy has a penalty kick, which has turned into a mosh pit of sweat and unbridled hatred.

9:11 – The Netherlands tries several more times to score and SUCCEEDS after a beautiful team play! Buffon was too busy tackling one of his own teammates to block the ball.

9:14 – An Italian player and a Dutch player are chasing the ball while clawing each other’s chests off. There WILL be blood. Hehe.

9:16 – The Netherlands scores again. They really are playing fabulously. I wonder how many bad words my husband is hearing right now?

9:18 – Italy tries to score, but the Dutch goalie catches the ball and immediately throws his body over it as if to protect it from the shrapnel of Italian obscenities.

9:22 – People are kicking the ball and so forth. I go to make myself a salad for dinner.

9:27 – I am back in time to see The Netherlands almost score again, but Buffon blocks the ball with his chest. Do they make bullet-proof vests for goalies?

9:29 – Four or possibly fourteen Italian players gang up on a Dutch player who makes it through the gauntlet still standing. I know which team I would root for if it didn’t mean getting beat up by EVERYONE IN THIS COUNTRY.

9:31 – The camera zooms in on an Italian player whose head is literally gushing sweat. He reminds me of Freaky Walt in the second season of “Lost” when he keeps whispering gibberish and impersonating waterfalls to scare people. And folks? European soccer players scare me even more.

9:32 – Commercial break!

9:35 – My favorite commercial is on, a black and white drama starring George Clooney. He is walking the red carpet and looking so smooth and pouring himself a martini, but wait! The ice bucket is empty! Whatever will he do?

9:36 – Don’t worry. A sexy woman draws her sword and lops the balls off an ice sculpture dog to cool his drink. And now he is saying “Magnifico!” and sipping his testiculini with a smile. I love Italian commercials.

9:39 – Commentators are arguing about the first round of the game. Do they call them rounds in soccer? I don’t know.

9:42 – More commercials!

9:45 – The Catholic church is running a commercial for itself. Why haven’t other religions thought of this?

9:46 – The game is back. Apparently, it is called Euro2008 and thus not a cup at all. I’ve learned something!

9:47 – An Italian player slugs a Dutch one and then puts his hands up like, “See? My hands are up here, way up in the air! There’s no way I could have slugged that guy writhing on the ground beside me!” The ref doesn’t buy it.

9:50 – A Dutch player is down. The five Italians standing right next to him are completely innocent. See their hands?

9:52 – A yellow card is being given to Gattuso. I think he’s the one with a goatee. I didn’t see what happened, but I assume he didn’t get his hands in the air quickly enough.

9:55 – Another Dutch player is down, slammed in the head by an Italian player’s armpit. Pits of steel!

10:00 – A Dutch player just got a yellow card, but his teammates don’t seem bothered. They are passing the ball down the entire field using their heads, and I am distracted because each of their last names has at least nine vowels. How does one pronounce Ooijer?

10:03 – A sweaty Italian player just gave the ref a hug and a wink. Do they have a little something-something going on there? I am intrigued.

10:05 – Del Piero is now on the field. I remember him scoring an amazing goal in the last soccer game I watched, so I like him despite the fact that he is 105 in soccer years.

10:07 – The coach is extremely well dressed. Such a nice suit, and is his shirt silk? He’s being very sedate so as not to wrinkle his clothes. Something tells me that my noticing this about the game will fail to impress my husband.

10:11 – Del Piero runs and kicks and almost scores, and the commentators are practically orgasming with delight. Just imagine what would happen if he HAD scored!

10:14 – DEL PIERO IS RUNNING! TOWARD THE BALL! SO EXCITING!

10:16 – The Italian players have stepped up their game, but no one is scoring. The crowd briefly began to sing, but that dwindled off. I am now recalling that the middle half of all soccer games are boring, so I’m going to work on something else. Back later.

10:20 – I looked up in just in time to see the Netherlands score again, but wow! Buffon blocked the ball with his FACE and then ran back to guard the goal. Unfortunately, one of his own teammates accidentally kicked the ball in, but I’m still impressed by Buffon’s complete disregard for his own safety, well-being, or nasal structure.

10:25 – All the orange-dressed fans are singing. Could someone please explain why the Netherlands’ team color is orange even though its flag is red, white, and blue? Or why the Italian team color is blue even though its flag is red, white, and green? And why are the goalies dressed in black and green, respectively? And who was allowed to decide that white shorts were a good idea?

10:30 – The well-dressed coach has moved his hands to his hips and—whoa! He almost jumped all the way off the ground! The game is now exciting enough to endanger his suit.

10:31 – The commentators keep saying “Del Piero.” Just like that, an entire sentence: “Del Piero.” They are smitten.

10:35 – We have arrived at “Full Time.” Is that like half-time? Or is the game over? I don’t know.

10:36 – The Italian players have given their jerseys to the Dutch players, so I guess it’s over. The Dutch players are shaking hands with the ref, but alas, there is no winking. Del Piero and Buffon look sad, and my husband’s friends are probably crying right now. But the Dutch goalie is hugging his daughter, and it’s all very precious and happy and ORANGE, and they really did play the best tonight, so there you have it.

Will Dan be impressed? Stay tuned.