Mortification Monday, v. 1.0
Disclaimer #1: Do not be tempted to enjoy the following saga of love and heartbreak; it is a tragedy of epic proportions and, as such, tragic. In fact, you will be begging me to end it after the 482nd straight week of teenage melodrama. I promise.
Disclaimer #2: In the interest of not getting sued, I have changed The Boy’s name to Igor Dreamboat. Frequent characters include his mother Mrs. Dreamboat, his younger brother Habib, and various friends whose names have also been changed to protect their identities. (Lucky twits.) Otherwise, just imagine a giant [sic] after every entry.
Disclaimer #3: I was the product of a family that made the Flanders look like hedonistic liberals. (I mean, the Flanders occasionally ate pork products which are specifically forbidden in Leviticus 11. Plus, they knew about beer, which is so heinous a sin that God forgot to mention it in the Bible.) Please keep in mind that I no longer call my parents “Mommy and Daddy” or believe God’s divine purpose for my life is for me to marry Igor Dreamboat.
Disclaimer #4: Editor’s commentary will appear in footnotes.
Disclaimer #5: This is much more painful for me than it is for you.
Chapter 1: In the Beginning
Saturday, December 7th (Age 12)
“Igor is number 1 on my list of boys.1 I’ve always liked him, admired his personality, and enjoyed his company. He said, out of all the girls in our class, he would pick me to marry.2”
1Don’t get too attached to the brief and factual nature of this journal entry. I soon master the art of hyperbole. Also bi-polarism.
2According to his mother, who also happened to be my teacher. Please note that this qualifies as a formal proposal. At age 14, he was hypothetically willing to marry me! Out of all the girls IN OUR CLASS!
3, even though there wasn’t actually a 3Dan would like me to point out that not only was this my very first mention of Igor, this was an entire journal entry. Introduction, character development, conflict, resolution, conclusion. (See footnote #1 regarding brevity, etc.)
Next time on Mortification Monday: Igor publicly demonstrates his love for me!
TRUE LOVE 4 EVER!
hahaha I adore this! I smiled so wide at the Flanders comparison with your family. I can’t wait to see the plot thicken!!
And all of my those-who-shall-not-be-mentioned past loves will now be referred to as “Igor Dreamboat” (with credit to you of course!) AMAZING.
Thanks for the smiles!
xoxo
I think I found this much more humorous than I should, or than you meant it to be for that matter.
As for now, I am chuckling gleefully on the edge of my seat with immense anticipation.
I like the 8 paragraphs of disclaimers/footnotes for 3 sentences of body text format.
and the Simpson’s reference.
Good to know you seem to have a back up, just in case things between us don’t work out…and for the record, in case anyone could possibly get confused: I AM NOT IGOR!#*! [extra symbols provided for further emphasis]
In fact, it appears that I should probably be his arch-nemesis, or maybe he is mine!
Lizardek – U NO IT!!1!
Frankie – And thicken it will…
Jesse – Because maybe you know Igor’s true identity? (Just wait, Mortification Mondays v. 2.0 just may feature YOU!)
Tom – Now that I think about it more, I’m not sure I have adequate disclaimers. Maybe next time, I’ll disclaim the disclaimers?
Daniel – In the arch-nemesis department, Igor clearly has you beat, seeing as how you never even made it to my list of boys! We’ll just have to wait and see which one of you I end up marrying…
You know I love you… 🙂
It’s O.K., I can handle it.