4May

Fwd: Crusade

Three of the contacts in my e-mail address book have yet to realize that the Age of Forwards is dead. All three are relatives, and they tend to take some strong political stances that I don’t share, so for the sake of staying on good terms with my family at large, I usually delete these forwards without a glance. Today, however, two of them sent the same e-mail, and I made the mistake of reading it:

“Saturday, May 8, 2010 is WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY!
If a Muslim male looks upon a naked woman, other than his wife, he must commit suicide. In an effort to help weed out neighborhood terrorists, all women in America are asked to walk out of their house at 1:00pm, completely naked, and circle their neighborhood block for one hour.”

I felt sick, perhaps even more than I did a few weeks ago when that Facebook status was making the rounds. You probably saw some variation of it: “Dear God, I noticed you’ve been taking my favorite celebrities, and I just wanted you to know that Obama is my favorite president.”

But this isn’t a post about politics. This is about death.

~~~

Yesterday, a woman I had never met passed away. Her husband was one of my university classmates, but I hadn’t kept up with his life until last week when their story spread among my circle of acquaintances. She was six months pregnant with their fourth child when she had to undergo an emergency operation to remove cancerous spots from her lungs. She went into cardiac arrest. The baby was delivered healthy, albeit extremely premature, but my schoolmate’s wife slipped away after a few days of desperate attempts to save her life.

I did not know this woman personally, and from what I’ve heard about her, we would not have had a lot in common. However, I joined the thousands of friends and supporters hoping, praying for a miracle, and I now grieve her death along with them. Her children will grow up without her goodnight kisses. Her husband will face the difficult decisions ahead alone. Everyone who loved her, everyone who would have come to love her, every person she would have touched along the corridors of a full-term life is now bereft. Nothing about this is remotely funny.

I think of our next door neighbors in the States, a married couple with a young son and a taxi business. We swapped power tools, shared watermelon in the backyard, and tried together to help a neighborhood boy caught in a tragic situation. They gave us Natalie’s first bicycle. The husband mowed our lawn along with his. They also happened to be devout Muslims. If we categorized them as terrorists for their belief in Allah, we would deserve to be categorized as Crusaders for our belief in God. However, prejudice is probably a reality they have learned to put up with a long time ago.

But to joke about forcing our next-door neighbor to commit suicide? To turn the idea of leaving his son fatherless, his wife widowed, and his friends brokenhearted into some kind of patriotic comedy? To quip about tricking God into offing the president? To slap an animated gif onto a death wish and call it funny? It makes me see stars. That professed Christians can be not simply callous but malicious about other people’s lives shocks, saddens, and enrages me all at once, and I have to say… sentiments like that help me understand where a terrorist might find motivation in the first place.

30Apr

A Daily Dose of Beauty ~ April 2010

April 1st – Sneaking up on two beautiful little ballerinas in a computer game trance.

Ballerina gamers 2

April 2nd – Throwing open the windows and letting spring come bounding inside.

April 3rd – Devouring Frito Pie and day-before-Easter chocolate in our new tent and feeling quite at home.

April 4th – Hiding eggs full of sugary treasures around our campsite for the girls to run and dance and climb and twirl and stumble upon throughout the morning.

April 5th – Ordering drinks at Natalie’s 2,000-year-old thermopolium in downtown Pompeii.

April 6th – Unloading a haul of bright, zesty Sorrento lemons and imagining the many ways we’ll enjoy them this spring.

Sophie inspecting the lemons 1

April 7th – All of us feeling more relieved that we realized to swing back into our weekday routines.

April 8th – Commencing Operation Limoncello 2010 with visions of sparkling Christmas gifts dancing in our heads.

April 9th – Falling asleep after a difficult day on my beloved mattress with my beloved husband and a new day waiting in the wings.

April 10th – Picking out the brightest, friendliest flowers we could find [on sale] to color in-between the lines on our balcony.

April 11th – Spying on the girls as they channeled their engineer dad and constructing amazing, imaginative worlds out of Duplos.

April 12th – While flipping television channels just before bed, stumbling onto an incredible burping rock duo and falling in love with Italian programming all over again.

April 13th – Being quite literally floored by a kiss attack from Sophie.

April 14th – Finally finding the words that had been eluding me all week and revising my position on life being over, etc.

April 15th – Saying good morning to the new flowers blooming and thriving and throwing wild tea parties in their planters.

Purple daisy close-up

April 16th – Hand-writing a letter in a pool of pure golden sunshine on the balcony.

April 17th – After breathing in clouds of fresh pollen all day long, realizing my eyes don’t itch and my sinuses haven’t closed and I’m not tempted to gouge out my skull with a salad fork; thank you, allergy vaccinations!

April 18th – Staying after church to eat gnocchi and lemon mousse and catch up with friends we haven’t seen in too long.

April 19th – Leaving the dishes to their own devices and playing a hilarious game of kickball in the backyard with the girls.

April 20th – Riding the essay submission high, like pot-laced caffeine with extra sprinkles.

April 21st – Butchering a favorite children’s song into a potty-time ditty to the girls’ utter amusement (and their father’s utter head-shaking).

April 22nd – Being treated like the customer of the decade by a sweet saleslady at the ritzy, glitzy profumeria while I rooted through the discount bin for their cheapest lime-grapefruit lotion.

April 23rd – Resurrecting a childhood favorite and playing Giddyup Little Horsey until the girls collapsed from laughter.

April 24th – Spending some quality time in the pages of The Princess Bride after far too long apart.

April 25th – Staying up half an hour too late and being rewarded with a Liberation Day fireworks show.

April 26th – Cheering on my timid Natalie as she rode her bicycle around and around the balcony, crashing and jumping back up with a grin of accomplishment.

Learning to ride a bike 4

April 27th – Getting a delightful letter in the mail from an old friend.

April 28th – Swinging at the otherwise empty playground with Sophie after early-morning errands.

April 29th – Wishing I had some fresh asparagus to fix with lunch and then being completely surprised by a friend who stopped by mid-morning simply to bring me a beautiful bouquet… of asparagus.

April 30th – Ending up €1.39 short at the grocery store but having a new friend unexpectedly show up in line behind me and pay before I realized what she was doing; closing out the month remembering to believe in little miracles.

29Apr

This Too

“This too shall pass” has often been the duct tape keeping my sanity attached since I became a mom. The newborn habit of falling into an impenetrable sleep coma seconds before feeding time?  Rusty sawblade teeth carving their way through tender gums?  Overflowing diapers? Powerful obsessions over a certain furry red monster with grammar issues? Elmo too shall pass.

I figure I can survive just about any frustrating stage as long as it’s temporary. The catch in this lovely Zen mindfest is that my girls have started coordinating with each other so as to have two distinct and equally frustrating stages ready for me at all times. One will put up hours’ long fights at bedtime while the other takes up telling lies, then the first one will complement the lies with a slurry of back-talk as the second launches into three months of slow motion, which is overlapped with one’s potty-related relapse followed by the other’s sudden and absolute inability to hear words that come out of my mouth. Sure, each stage is temporary… but with parenting conundrums coupled up and strung along like this, my sanity is beginning to flap a little in the breeze.

Basically, survival is the new Zen around here. But fortunately for themselves, me, and everyone within yelling distance, the girls have their innate adorableness going for them. Sophie is still deliciously small, squinting up her marshmallow face to laugh and needing pre-nap snuggles in the rocking chair. Despite her gracefully long limbs, Natalie is still pure child, skipping between playground equipment and making sweet, fanciful stories out of Lego blocks. They still rely on me to read them poetry at bedtime, wash their mermaid hair in the bath, and reciprocate butterfly kisses. Some days, I think their continuous needing is going to earn me a VIP ticket to the loony bin—if the coordinated frustrating stages don’t accomplish it first, of course—but then I look into the bright eyes of the sticky, singing girl who weaseled her way onto my lap despite the computer in her way, and a whisper circulates from the back of my mind: “This too shall pass.” And I realize that as crazy as these small years make me, I’m in no hurry for them to be over.

Loving sisters

23Apr

The Quibbler

They bicker constantly, these voices in my head. There’s the dour one that I used to call realism but really deserves a much less respectable name—Ursula, for instance—who likes to point out in increasingly shrill tones that I am absolutely not cut out to be a writer and should give up before I make a fool of myself. She takes full responsibility for making sure I know how just how lousy I am each time I sit at my desk. If I stay seated, she peers over my shoulder telling me at intervals how this phrase is far too convoluted and that one appears to be written by a three-year-old and that if I were actually any good at writing, it wouldn’t take me so long. If I get up, she pats me on the back with her sharp nails and says, “Yes, very good; you’re much better at being a house cleaner. Well, the potential is there at any rate. You can find the grout cleaner under the sink.”

Then there’s the voice of creative intuition, Seraphina, who tells Ursula to kindly remove her ugly backside from the premises. Seraphina plays my veins like wind chimes and reminds me that what makes me feel truly alive is what I should be doing, external validation be damned. She texts Orlagh to get her vacationing butt back home. Come to think of it, she has kind of a thing about butts, but I really don’t mind when she’s telling me how nice mine looks planted in my desk chair. She tells me not to give up, never to give up, that the grout can wait for the next tenants.

Mrs. Fuzziwuggins occasionally pipes up to tell me I’m a special and unique snowflake, but the other two just tell her to shut up.

If I’m not careful, ­­­ Severa Slushpool slips into the back room chanting  “Guilt, Guilt, Guilt, Guilt,” until I am convinced of my unworthiness to exist. Ursula shrugs and says, “She has a point; you’ve produced nothing of value today, and at least one of your children is currently pantsless.” Mrs. Fuzziwuggins sticks her pudgy fingers in my ears while telling the others off for crushing my delicate spirits. Seraphina argues that I’m stronger than that. “Guilt, Guilt,” chants Severa in the voice of a pipe organ.

“Just a reminder,” whispers Graziella, the in-house massage therapist from my spiritual spa, “You are under no obligation to feel guilt anymore.”

“That would be accurate,” snaps Ursula, “if you were spending your time in worthier pursuits. Scrubbing down the balcony, for instance.”

“There is no more worthy pursuit than the one that inspires your passion and whole-hearted creative effort,” contends Seraphina.

Mrs. Fizziwuggins quickly adds, “But no need to strain yourself, dear; we wouldn’t want to stifle your fragile specialness.”

“SHUT UP!” shouts everyone else.

“Guilt,” cuts in Severa Slushpool. “Guilt, Guilt, Guilt, Guilt, Guilt.”

“Hey guys!” bursts Orlagh, out of breath and smelling faintly of coconut rum. “What did I miss?”

~~~

Discussion questions:

1) What do the voices in your head quibble about? You do have to deal with quibbling voices, right?
Right?

::cue the crickets::

2) For the sake of making me feel less crazy, pretend you have to deal with quibbling voices too. Would you:

a) volunteer for an experimental surgery to plant earplugs into your temporal lobe?
b) decide that whichever voice you agree with at any given moment is the correct one?
c) kill them off one by one like in that John Cusack movie?
or
d) take up drinking coconut rum?

3) Am I crazy?

21Apr

Hijacked

Today:

Hormones storming in with a blunderbuss to hijack all my good intentions for the day.

Coffee, with caramel.

Aleve.

George Harrison.

Clouds merging, drifting, taking fifteen for lunch, and lumbering back with full bellies and low motivation.

The house refusing to clean itself.

Stories refusing to write themselves.

Daughters fighting with each other. Daughters making messes. Daughters whining. Mother yelling. Daughters crying. Daughters napping. Mother in the kitchen spoon-feeding her guilt ice cream.

A sweater to combat the ice cream and cloud-cover chill.

More Aleve.

Renewed intentions to spend quality time with my girls, care for our home, catch up on creativity, and show those hormones who’s the boss around here…

Tomorrow.

14Apr

Defined by Wonder

Out of all religious celebrations, my least favorite is Easter. I’d rather not get into reasons why, though lacy short sleeved dresses on the coldest Sundays in Texas history have a minor role. (Seriously, the Texan weather gods must spend three quarters of the year siphoning away stray breezes to be released all together the moment flimsy Easter dresses emerge.) Our church here in Italy does not officially celebrate Easter, but nonetheless, I prefer to distance myself from institutions for the weekend. Campgrounds work nicely. Campgrounds in Sorrento work very nicely.

Shoreline - Sunday morning 1

Our experience this year was different from last year’s in that we didn’t drive the entire coastline, stumble into any creepy processionals, or need the sunscreen, but the defining factor of our trip was still wonder. The wonder of waking up to Mount Vesuvius drifting above the bay on a floe of sky-blue mist…   the wonder of the girls running themselves giddy beneath succulent orange trees… the wonder of following an unknown path down a cliff face to the water’s edge where cats napped on volcanic remnants and boulders presented themselves for the jumping… above all, the wonder of putting our busy life on hold while we shacked up with beauty for the weekend.

Oranges in bloom

Thanks to a fitful forecast, we put our Capri plans on hold and had the kind of see-where-our-feet-take-us day we love so much. The first place our feet took us was… back inside the tent to play Curious George Uno, sneak a few chocolate eggs, and wait out a cloudburst. Admittedly, it wasn’t the worst way to spend Easter morning, but we were still glad to see the sky take its emotional issues elsewhere. After all, there were pigeons to chase! Merry-go-rounds to conquer! Strawberry gelato to dribble deliciously onto our mother’s jeans! We wound our way through the Sorrento shopping district scoping out lemons for Operation Limoncello 2010 and followed an inkling down the coast to pretend stray cats were panthers and ogle the waves, still turquoise beneath their cloud cover. Once little legs tired out, we drove down the block to Positano, so brim-full of color and bustle that we never had a chance to miss our derailed Capri trip.

Positano 2

The next day brought with it an impromptu detour to the excavation site of Pompeii. I’m glad I had the chance to be properly impressed by Herculaneum last year because Pompeii so thoroughly surpassed all previous experiences with ruins. I mean, there are ruins, and there are RUINS. Acres upon acres of stepping-stone streets, villas, tombs, bars, theaters, brothels, temples, shopping malls, gardens, and what my girls claimed as their own personal “beautiful castles.” It felt both heavy and oddly exhilarating to poke around a city where people lived 2,000 years ago. No denying that Vesuvius’s famous eruption was tragic, but getting to peek into an ancient culture without the distraction of progress felt like a gift—a head-warping, perspective-zapping, imagination-thrilling sort of gift to carry home on tired feet.

Little Miss Natalie

I know I’m not scoring points with the Spanish Inquisition here, but God is more real to me outdoors with the girls chasing butterflies or skipping over ancient crosswalks than in a meeting hall where we’re trying to make them behave like doorstops. Fresh air has a big impact on our spiritual lives, I think. Incidentally, the God we pitched our tent with—the one painting gold across the horizon and setting magpies in flight and coaxing wild poppies into the open—is the one that makes me feel religious celebrations have merit after all… though, if I’m going to be honest, I’d still take a camping trip on the Amalfi Coast, breathing in the fragrance of citrus trees and drinking up wonder, over lacy Easter dresses any day.

7Apr

Chameleon Beans

I love traveling, I do. The sights and experiences we collect on our little (and not-so-little) trips feed my adventure-loving heart, stretch my sightline, and assure me that we are doing at least this one thing well with our children. Travel nudges all the sameness out of my life and fills the empty spaces with its chameleon marvelscape. It expands me, us. Yet, every time we return home, I find myself noticeably detached from life. Even little chores seem insurmountable. I stare right past the girls. My mind refuses to make decisions, preferring instead to hide under its bed binging on jelly beans. And I don’t even like jelly beans.

I don’t think it’s your garden variety post-vacation slump. Rather, I suspect it has everything to do with the introvert in me being swept away from her routines and cherished pockets of solitude. If I don’t connect with myself, I can’t connect with my family or my goals or the lid to my spring-loaded intention, and blargh, sometimes I’d really love to trade myself in for a newer model. At least five times a day, if you want to know the truth.

I’ve been troubleshooting the last two days to find out what helps get me back on track and feeling a little sheepish that I didn’t already know. (To-do lists? No. The Beatles? Yes. Early o’clock bedtime? Yes. Coffee? Depends. Harry Potter? Sadly, no.) My mind has already relinquished the jelly beans, so it shouldn’t be too long before I can tell you about our weekend getaway. Sneak preview: There was no Capri after all, but there were seaside hikes and 2,000-year-old ruins and lapfuls of lemons and assassin shrubbery. Stay tuned.

Attack of the assissin shrubbery

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