As we ate our dinner in a huddle next to our ferociously windy Dublin campsite last night, a neighbor came over to talk to us.

“So you’re going to Limerick tomorrow, are you?” he asked. “Just make sure you arrive early enough to watch the hurling match.”

“Ah yes,” we said. “Thanks for reminding us,” we said. “Just one little thing, though… What is hurling?”

“Why, it’s the island’s favorite sport!” he answered. “You’ll be wanting to see it, though beware of taking the little ones outside if Limerick loses.”

We took his advice to heart, watching the televised match from the safety of our hotel room this afternoon. And just because you’ve always wanted to know about the ancient Gaelic sport of hurling (as seen by an athletically-challenged American who hadn’t even heard the word 24 hours ago), I’ve taken the liberty of narrating the match for you. Grab a room temperature Guinness, and we’ll begin.

***

3:29p – A girl leads the crowd in a patriotic song, while the crowd cheers and beats wooden drums. The camera keeps filming close-ups of the players’ backsides in their very short shorts.

3:30p – Exactly half an hour late, the game begins. The sport looks like something that Happy Gilmore would have invented, had he been comfortable in very short shorts—a cross between baseball, field hockey, and fight club. Players in green (Limerick) are whacking with hurleys (bats) at the sliotar (ball)… but mostly whacking the players in blue (Tipperary) who are trying to kick, throw, catch, and possibly bite the ball.

3:33p – My attempts to understand the announcer are 94% useless, even though I’m fairly sure we speak the same language.

3:35p – Natalie about the Limerick player in control of the ball: “I think he is trying to not win.” Lo and behold, she is right, as Tipperary scores.

3:38p – Someone has scored something by hitting the ball somewhere, and it counts as points rather than as a goal, and are you confused yet?

3:39p – Natalie is also having trouble understanding the announcer: “Does the TV have the hiccups?”

3:40p – Limerick just scored a point (remember, different from a goal) by passing the ball through the posts above the goal. Or possibly by whacking the other players across the seat of their very short shorts enough times.

3:44p – Several of the players seem to have the ball confused with other players’ heads.

3:45p – Tipperary scores its second goal! Limerick’s keeper (goalie) looks mildly displeased.

3:47p – Tipperary scores its third goal! The blue part of the crowd surges in cheers, and I realize one can clearly spot the players’ underwear in slow-motion.

3:50p – Two opposing players attempt to decapitate the other, which I suspect is against the rules. (Natalie to the TV: “You are not obeying, actually.”)

3:53p – A player shoves the referee, “letting his feelings be known” as the announcer genially remarks. The referee, however, is not so open-minded and issues the first yellow card of the game.

3:55p – Another Limerick player lets his feelings be known, and the referee in turn lets his feelings be known in the form of a second yellow card. There are many, many feelings bashing around the stadium now.

4:00p – Tipperary now has 3 goals and 8 points as opposed to Limerick’s 0 goals and 3 points, a solid and confusing lead that makes me wish I had paid more attention to Quidditch rules.

4:01p – The contrast between Irish and Italian athletes becomes clear. When an Italian player falls during a soccer match, he writhes and rolls on the ground for no less than two minutes or until the referee notices his plight. When an Irish player falls during hurling, he leaps up before the opposing team can finish trampling him, brandishes his hurley, and joins the fray until the referee calls half-time and his broken bones can be properly inspected.

4:08p – During half-time, a panel of sports commenters discusses how Limerick has an excellent chance to win the match if it only goes back in time and does less terribly during the first half. Way to strategize, guys.

4:23p – The match is back and resembling a frat house initiation ritual more every minute.

4:25p – A Tipperary player’s leg was beat out from under him, but twenty seconds with the doctor and a sip of water (or was it beer?) seem to have fixed it. Remind me never to pick a fight with an Irishman.

4:27p – Before a player bats the ball onto the field, he must plant his feet and swish his very short shorts side to side several times. I fail to see how this helps, but it certainly is amusing.

4:31p – One player has just had his hand mistaken for the ball, but it’s unlikely to happen again as his hand is now the color of a ripe pomegranate. It must hurt horrifically, as the player is actually grimacing.

4:34p – The referee is consulting on a decision with the umpires, who are wearing lab coats for no apparent reason. They rule in favor of Limerick, who promptly scores its first goal of the game. “The fans now have a new lease on life!” cheers the announcer.

4:37p – We finally find out that a goal is worth 3 points—a fact that would be good to point out to the Limerick players who have gone wide 15 successive times now.

4:41p – Three Tipperary players in a row lift up their legs in exactly the right way to let the ball through, and Limerick scores again. Something tells me that the announcer is a Limerick fan; perhaps the new octave his voice just reached?

4:44p – After respectfully giving Limerick a few minutes to celebrate, Tipperary nonchalantly scores its fourth goal.

4:47p – And then its fifth.

4:48p – Observation: Very short shorts appear greatly shorter when their wearers are lunging.

4:49p – Observation: Very short shorts appear very greatly shorter when their wearers are lying on the ground doing hamstring stretches. (Dan, who had mentioned buying a uniform as a souvenir: “Maybe I won’t get the shorts.” Me: “Thank you.”)

4:51p – Limerick fans are trailing out of the stadium like a line of green-clad Charlie Browns. “Disappointment and heartbreak,” summarizes the announcer with a little crack in his Irish brogue.

4:54p – Tipperary scores for the sixth time, and one Limerick player lies down on the ground to mourn. “This is becoming embarrassing for Limerick,” says the announcer. “Maybe we should avoid going out tonight,” say I.

4:56p – The game is starting to get violent. I mean, more violent. The hurlers are hurling for all they’re worth, and the result could potentially fill a hospital ward.

4:59p – Ten seconds before the end of overtime, a Limerick player falls down and puts on a rather Italian performance. He is given control of the ball, but time runs out and his writhing was for naught. Note to player: That only works when you have an Italianref.

5:00p – The game is over. Tipperary has soundly whooped Limerick with a score of 6-19 to 2-07. The players have turned back into the neighbors and friends that they are and have taken off their jerseys to exchange; the amount of skin on the field is half a shade away from blinding, and this more than any other part of the match makes me happy.

And that, folks, is what hurling’s all about. Well, that and very short shorts.