Everyone else is in this recession too, I think. Everyone understands the feeling of Not Enough, the rubber band stretched between temples, winding and winding and then releasing with a snap of nausea that knocks out the stomach.
By this, I am trying to tell myself that you will understand if I write about trying to find renters to offset our mortgage in the States and about the nosedive my imagination takes when each prospect falls through. Chances are, you know that pinch.
But the pictures, I think.
This morning, I uploaded an album of snapshots for friends and family who couldn’t spend the summer with us. In photographic form, our summer has been rich and eventful, punctuated with adventures and saturated with color. In reality too. With some creative budgeting (and a willingness to sleep on the ground), we’ve been able to get our traveling fill. Our last few months have been fantastically fun. How could I possibly complain about Not Enough when our treasure trove of happy memories is overflowing?
I don’t want to try so hard for positivity that I replace my honest voice with Pollyanna though, I think. Our basic needs are met, and we are enjoying life, but that shouldn’t discount what I’m feeling right now.
Which is anxiety, pure and simple. A job I had hoped, hoped, hoped to catch sailed neatly into someone else’s hands, and I’m having difficulty keeping those first slender tentacles of panic at bay. And the house. What does one do with an empty house halfway across the world? Well, worry over it until your jaw forgets how to unclench itself, if you’re me.
There’s got to be a neat ending somewhere in here, I think. Maybe some enlightened realization that our happiness depends so little on the number in our bank account that I wouldn’t even care if we ended up destitute. Or maybe an affirmation of trust in those sudden miracles that light up our world from time to time. Perhaps a well-aimed punch in the ear for being so self-centered when current needs around the globe far outstrip our own.
But the drab truth is that I’m not as enlightened or trusting or selfless as I wish I were, so in lieu of a neat ending, here’s a hope that you do understand the feeling of Not Enough, that we can be complicated and human together, and that you’ll punch me in the ear when I finally acknowledge Pollyanna to be right.
You will not getting punched by me. Not by a long shot. I tend to gloss over my own bank account, keeping the faith that there will be better times ahead, but not really knowing. Trying to live in that ignorant bliss, like there are not consequences for pretending like I don’t have to add while I shop. I do things like buy something, that in another life would have been trivial, what is $50? And then panic because there isn’t really any extra in MY account. I have been reckless for a while now. I am awaiting my first pay check. I have no idea how much it will be for…. Then, I will be sucked into the panic once again.
Good luck getting that house rented. It is a tough time right now, but I just know someone will come along who is perfect. Prayers will be said just to be sure.
::mumbles in agreement::
I am sorry, Bethany. Yes yes – I totally know the feeling of Not Enough. It is hard out there, and I think everyone feels it. (Also, the feeling of having to wait what seems like FOREVER for things you really, really want…also sucks.) In some ways, I hope it helps people take stock of what is real and truly important – like you said, you are fed, your basic needs are met – sometimes we all need to remember the difference between needs and wants – but a mortgage being paid is definitely a NEED. Basic survival in this century, for sure…and believe me, there have been many times when I’ve been thankful we have virtually nothing to lose…
That said, my sweet friend, definitely put the word out that you need responsible renters! Facebook, email your family and friends. Work your connections…somebody always knows somebody! I am having faith it will all work out.
I hate OpenID. It keeps eating my comments. ARGH.
Pollyanna wasn’t so bad, you know. And that last thing I would suspect you of doing is losing your true voice. It sure seems like everyone I know has a case of the Not Enoughs far too often these days. Hang in there! I hope you get your place rented or maybe better, SOLD! So you don’t have to worry about it anymore?