The new year is already up and running, but I’m wandering somewhere on the other side of the line with untied laces, trying first not to choke on the dust, second to figure out how the hell to catch up, and third to find serenity in the midst of personal chaos. That’s my wish-on-a-star for this year–serenity. It was conspicuously absent last year, and I’m suddenly feeling desperate.
Don’t get me wrong–last year was fun… in the way that hurricanes and tornados and seizures are fun. It was like a twelve-month play date with a schizophrenic giant. Dan got his master’s, we were unemployed, we were homeless, we moved three times, we shipped our possessions and selves overseas without any guarantees, we started a new life in Italy, we had a baby, and our two-year-old inexplicably turned thirteen–each a circumstance saturated with stress. 2007 should have come with a label: “SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: This year may be hazardous to your health; proceed at your own risk.”
I’m wildly glad we took so many risks to chase our huge dreams, not letting practicality or security tie us down. I also know that one day, I will realize how truly incredible the payoff is. But for now, I’m spent, running on a backup generator. This holiday break has been rather disastrous, with all four of us contracting bronchitis, influenza, or a hairy scary combination of the two, and I haven’t found the space to recharge. Thus, I find myself entering 2008 with my sanity tied in knots and my view of the future splattered with calamities.
If I still believed in the power of resolutions–or at least in my own power to keep them–I would make several:
To have fun with my girls every day.
To try cooking a gourmet recipe every week.
To learn Italian fluently.
To get in shape.
To reach out to new acquaintances without fear.
To rediscover God.
To make friends with new books and rekindle my friendships with old.
To write, constantly, with all the beauty and honesty and creativity I have to offer.
But I would give up these hopes, these efforts, this carousel of trying and failing and trying again if only to have a year drenched in serenity. Then, I think I could finally find the craziness to be me.
I often find that change is scary in the moment and inspiring once you’ve survived it. But the trick is in the survival.
Good luck in Italy!
An inspiring post- I’m glad to have found you! I love your list of ‘if you were doing them’ resolutions but ‘finding the craziness to be you’ is more important.
I too wish you good luck in Italy- may you enjoy every moment of it! I’ll be back to read more- your writing is unique.
Thank you both for the good luck wishes! I’m grateful that survival is a given. Now surviving gracefully–that’s another story… 🙂
You have been through a whirlwind in the past year..hoping that this one is a little calmer, a little more serene and a little more settled…you will look back on 2007 in years to come and you will re-tell the story, amazed at what you accomplished!
hope you do find serenity. found this line humourous: last year was fun… in the way that hurricanes and tornados and seizures are fun
Sounds like a hell of a year! Maybe a mix of excitement and serenity this year, uh? Or maybe the excitement on the outside and serenity inside at all times. That sounds good.
Hope you all get better soon. And I so want a cup of coffee after visiting your blog!
Enjoyed your writing and the post itself. Let me know if you find the serenity key…it seems to have slipped away from this place, too!
“The new year is already up and running, but I’m wandering somewhere on the other side of the line with untied laces, trying first not to choke on the dust, second to figure out how the hell to catch up, and third to find serenity in the midst of personal chaos.”
Great passage. I feel for you. Even though as hectic and crazy as it may have been last year sounded a bit exciting too.
Best wishes for a more peaceful 2008.
Wow! That’s one hell of a year!
I hope you find that serenity.
Thanks to you all. Oh, and if I do find the key to serenity, believe me — I’ll be publishing it in 2 seconds flat! (Could it possibly be massive daily doses of chocolate? Commence experiment now…)