These last two weeks… well, I’m not easily finding the words to describe them. Finding out so suddenly that I’m neither alone nor a [complete] nut-job has flipped my perception of life on its head, and I’m still trying to sort up from down. Coming out of a culture specifically designed to make its victims its staunchest defendants, I feel a bit star-struck around other escapees; I had no idea until two weeks ago that there were others. The conversations I’ve been having and articles I’ve been reading have been a form of intense psychoanalysis for me. Oh, so that’s why I can’t decide so much as what socks to wear some days. You mean my discomfort around all things emotional is to be expected? So it’s not some glitch in my system that makes me revert back to a bitter misotheist every few months? My so-very-unwelcome perfectionism, paranoia, skepticism, criticism, defensiveness, insecurity, and proclivity for burnout are natural side effects of that lifestyle; who knew?
I can’t really express (see above re: emotional ineptitude) just what it does to me to realize I’m not alone in this. Up until now, I have literally felt like the only woman in the world suffering under a unique brand of memories. The unshakeable weight of shame was all the more stifling because I was the only one who knew how it felt. But now… to hear that I’m not alone? To discover that my many neuroses are not proof I’m defective but are rather the stamp of mistreatment? To peek ahead into other people’s journeys and see increasing happiness and healing? It’s making my soul feel practically weightless.
My fervent thanks to those of you who braved that hopeful darkness and brought your own painful stories to light, to those of you who wrote me and shared your hearts, to those of you who offered encouragement and love, and to those of you who simply read what I had to say. Almost right could never have inspired this kind of community, and I would love the chance to meet up with each of you face-to-face (let me know next time you’re coming through Italy!). I’ll be the star-struck one wearing seven pairs of socks.
Have I mentioned how brave you are? Not just to leave such a lifestyle, but to share it as well, and also not to be a [total] nut-job. Takes a lotta grace, and a heaping helping of courage.
::hugs::
Isn’t blogging GREAT? *smooch* ! 🙂
my background is different in that i was not homeschooled, and God did not enter the picture of my family till i was nine … and even then, the abuse was not curbed much. but i married into an extremely legalistic family and was there for twenty years. it’s scary how debilitating to every area of my life that has been.
i, too, am just discovering this world of those who have been there, left there, and have the scars to prove it. it’s overwhelming to know i’m not alone, i’m not crazy, i’m not making this all up in my head somewhere. there’s a relief. there’s the, “i’m not alone.” and then there’s the profound sadness that not only is this really true, but there are many others who have been so deeply wounded, too.
i find joy in knowing my girls will never have to know what i knew. at ten and twelve, they freely and willingly and with longing hug me without any reserve. they don’t know how to have reserve or that anyone would even need or want to have reserve with their mother. they unashamedly tell me they love me. they sit close to me without thinking about it, and it’s natural and comforting for them to do so. they can cry with me and not think that they’re doing it. (there were so many years i didn’t cry and didn’t know how to cry).
your children will never know, either. all they’ll know is warmth and comfort and joy in the heart and arms and home of their momma.
It is comforting to hear the stories of others, and I agree that it brings a lot of clarity and validation to our experiences. It seems that just recently more and more people are getting up the courage to share, and consequently there’s a whole new network of survivors who used to feel all alone. It’s great.
I am so happy that you can be relieved of the burden that you were the “only one.” What a very heavy thing to carry around, hoping that it doesn’t rear its head at the wrong time. My hope for you is, now that you have exposed this, that the power it had in your life is gone.
Just wanted to say that I haven’t been reading blogs much for the past month and just got caught up here and you, girl, are someone I admire even more now… you have such astounding clarity and insight into your experience–it blows my mind that you are YOU and have grown up this way. You are so brave and amazing to share this with the world and I imagine there are many, many people who will be grateful for this series of posts…