Tag: Family

13Aug

A Tale of Two Cities

The first two days of vacation never count, at least for me. We emerge from our car sticky and discombobulated (not to mention caked in vomit and puréed peas), and at least a full 36 hours are needed for the sediment to settle. Once the clean towels have been found, the fridge stocked, and everyone’s shoes lined up serenely beside the door, the real vacation starts. And here it is, piecemeal (one post at a time, for now).

Sunday, August 10: Day 3 of Vacation

I’m fascinated by the cobblestones and weathered Latin inscriptions in our current hometown, the hairpin roads veering sharply upward to spy on vast hills dotted with olive groves and pieces of castle. We live in Italy’s oldest city—Etruscan history is around ever corner—and the view takes my breath away. Still, I’ve never felt quite as settled there as I do here in Mestre, my husband’s hometown. The city can boast no quaint hillside beauty as it sprawls from Venice into the Po Valley, but it is alive in a way that the older cities have forgotten.

Bicycles! They roam the streets carrying old ladies in cotton dresses, little girls with pigtails flying furiously, beaming dads with their sons strapped behind, couples holding hands, entire extended families out for a joy ride. Herds of bicycles cluster around the entrances to grocery stores, grazing warm pavement as happily as ever metal and rubber could. Bicycles have their own crosswalks here, their own parking spots, and their own traffic jams. I haven’t ridden a bike in ages—nobody does in our city, for good reason—so an evening ride with Dan and the girls is an immense pleasure.

We set off just as the air begins to cool. At first, we are mirages of sweat and insect repellent, wobbling down the street as we slap at mosquitoes and scratch fresh welts between fingers and behind ears (how do they know?) But intoxication sets in soon. We pedal faster until our faces are bright with wind and sunset, ringing our bells because why not? Churches and pharmacies fly by, and long, colorful streets canopied with trees—giant symphonies of trees, overwhelming green, trees that swell my heart to bursting after a year of scrubby olive groves. A stop at the neighborhood gelateria is compulsory, and within seconds there is chocolate in cones, on fingers, and, of course, dripping off delighted little chins.

We ease our bikes back down the street, past the carabinieri (Italy’s version of military police) fingering their machine guns which are pointed straight at us as they call “Ciao!” with huge smiles. Past the enormous park with its duck ponds and soccer courts and happy memories of Dan and I as newlyweds, riding through enchanted paths at night. Past houses and houses, all perfectly Italian in gorgeous muted colors and tiled balconies spilling over with flowers. Then back to the house we’re staying at that we both kind of wish were home.

[More to come. Don’t touch that dial…]

4Jul

Pause

July feels uncertain this year. We’re finally back in Italy, recovering from a stateside vacation I didn’t know how to write about, and my finger’s on the pause button. Only, time doesn’t pause; just myself.

Is today really a holiday? I vaguely remember promising our friends a hot dog cook-out, but I’ll be caught under the tide of jet lag and personal culture shock until well after supper. Tomorrow’s a holiday for us too—our fifth anniversary!—and more than any other time of year, I want to bounce and sparkle… but I get the distinct impression I’m still going to wake up as a human bathmat. Enthusiasm today on a scale from 1 to 10: Flubbb.

I can’t be sure on this of course, but I think this vacation may have been the toughest we’ll ever have to pull off. There were relaxing bits and fun bits, and the two even coincided from time to time, but they were sandwiched between the longest, cryingest plane rides ever a Sophie was taken on.

Re: that –
6/28/08
Dear incisors,
I understand your innate need to poke out of my daughter’s tender gums; it’s gotta happen sometime. But did you really have to make my baby scream and flail and refuse to sleep for five whole days? And which of Satan’s minions possessed you to wait until our LONG LONG INTERNATIONAL PLANE RIDE to saw your way out? Thanks to you, I’m going to have to buy Benadryl for all our fellow passengers on the return flight just to satisfy my conscience.
If you need me, I’ll be in the lavatory giving myself 30,000 feet swirlies,
Bethany

Exhausted parents

So, long trip, teething, Texas. Soon after arriving, we ran headlong into some old family tension—the complicated, spiderwebby kind that leave tendrils of guiltpitydisgustangerbetrayalremorsesadnessannoyance sticking to everyone’s faces. However, there were also important conversations and Krispy Kreme excursions and rollercoasters and tiramisu and so very many activities including the extreme wearing of leather pants.

Re: leather pants –
Dear [14-year-old brother],
I want to be as cool as you when I grow up.
Love,
Bethany

Leather pants

Besides the teething and the tension and the lack of sleep, we had fun… but it was mostly the kind of frantic fun that requires intense scheduling and secretarial help. And then catching the 6 a.m. flight to Florida? The English language needs a new word to describe our level of exhaustion at that point. Like “death.” Anyway.

Re: vacation part 2 –
Dear Florida,
You divide my heart. On one hand, I kind of hate you. You’re freakishly hot, everything is at least half an hour away, and room-service cereal costs $22. All this, and your drivers are really, really bad. I mean, terrible.
On the other hand, I love your glittering beaches and blue, blue water. I love the thunderheads piling above your oceans and the warm nights. Your wildlife is great—pelicans and herons and ‘gators, oh my!—and you make relaxing effortless.
If you would just work on the driver thing, oh, and maybe give me a lifetime membership to Disney World, I think we could have a future together.
Sincerely,
Bethany

Here be gators

Time with the in-laws was great as usual—Natalie’s never had so much fun in her long three-year-old life—and Dan’s and my getaway to the beautiful Marco Island was just what we needed (even though I was lame and spent vastly more time reading in bed than sunning at the beach, but you have no idea how lovely it felt to read in bed! hello, lame).

Re: my main inspiration for reading lamely in bed –
Dear Sony “not Kindle” e-book reader,
You have just exempted me from other birthday or Christmas gifts for the next nine years, but I have only this to say: I love you madly.
Yours,
That person who spilled crumbs on you because she wouldn’t stop reading Dracula during breakfast

Bird at the beach

So we were finally so relaxed that we were smiling on a regular basis again and enjoying the last few days of our vacation when we found ourselves rushing to the emergency room, trying not to panic, praying breathlessly that we would be able to take both girls back to Italy with us.

Our little Sophie sat limply in her car seat, her face bulging and purple, eyes rolled back in her head, breathing heavily like an animal – “hunh hunh hunh.” I had never felt such a rush of fear before, terror instead of adrenaline coursing through my blood. I still don’t know how to describe that drive to the hospital except that I hope never to experience it again.

The doctors assured us later that it was no big deal—“only” a seizure, “only” a spike in fever—and I couldn’t figure out if their words were meant to comfort or belittle. Neither mattered, though, once we could look into her eyes and see our baby there again.

ER Sophie

I don’t think anyone really relaxed after that point. Amidst the flurry of packing up, my mind swam with the image of Sophie’s purple face and the ludicrous hospital bill and all the What Ifs that I couldn’t not think about. I felt a thousand times more a mother than before yet hopelessly inadequate, and I shook the last hours of our plane trip back to Italy while Sophie wailed in my lap.

That brings me here—back, but not really. Suitcases are still piled around the house, and I fully intend to unpack them once I can drag myself out of the Twilight Zone. If only time would pause for a day or two or seventy-four…

21Apr

Public Service Announcement

This is a public service announcement:
Mortification Monday is on temporary hiatus while I hook up to a coffee IV and pound out meaningful and inspired art 24/7 finish A Project. Blogging may be sparse for the next few weeks, but don’t worry; I’ll still be lurking in the fringes of the internet, popping in from time to time to shake off the coffee jitters. In the meantime…

What we Bassetts do when dinner guests are late:

PARTY!

4Apr

Worth [very nearly] 1,000 Words

If my week were a photograph, it would show a tiny corner kitchen. Crusty dishes swell like a wave out of the sink–a new black plate already chipped on one side, five (thousand?) saucepans stacked like Russian nesting dolls, a spaghetti server caked with dry tomato pulp that might as well be rubber cement for how easily it will come off. Brown-rimmed coffee cups lurk on the stove, under the dish towel, behind the water filter–self-medication for restless naps. That filmy tangle of plastic wrap in the corner is left over from Wednesday, when it shut out air from my morning and stuck my afternoon in all the wrong places. That gummy wad of Cheerio crumbs, smashed peas, and stray Playmobil pieces? Used to be the floor.

In the high chair, just visible to the side, sits a tired baby adorned head to toe in rice mush. Her cranky pout could be due either to boredom or to the angry red hives popping up around her mouth from tasting formula. From where I stand, it looks like a prescription: Exclusively breastmilk, five times a day, until college.

I am the one crumbling by the sink with stringy hair and yesterday’s makeup, looking exactly like those moms I used to pity. That white patch on my shoulder is spit-up, naturally, and that green glint in my eye is all the bad words I want to say…

…but won’t because of the short girl tugging on my shirt. It’s not evident from the photo, but she is chattering in Ancient Mongolian: “Fleeshle waboom botchgoin mickaiwogo toks meegwam clombish lobblelobblelobblelobble popcorn for breakfast?” She may have been wearing those stripey pink socks for three days straight now, but her mother declines to comment.

The photo shows grease splatters on the range hood, rainy pockmarks on the window, and dust bunnies curled in the least-reachable corners. It shows the nuclear fallout from last night’s souptastrophe. It shows the disparity between sticky note to-do lists and hours in a day. What the photo doesn’t show, however, is the front door, just out of sight around the corner. It doesn’t show the moment tonight when that door will open and my husband will be home again. It doesn’t show Natalie shrieking “DADDY!!!” (in English, praise be to Webster) or Sophie bursting into giggles or me sinking into his arms like a damsel quite suddenly out of distress. It doesn’t show the dirty dishes fading into the distance or smiles eclipsing my lack of makeup… but who cares? This is the point when I tear the photo into Cheerio-sized bits and toss it into the mess that used to matter.

4Apr

The Story

This story starts like a mystery.

A long, green-brown river snakes across Texas. Early Spanish explorers named it “Los Brazos de Dios”–the arms of God–but God’s reach only extends into the Great Plains, forgotten. Along its banks, stubby trees twist out of the clay, staking their claim in the eternal flatness of the Southwest. The river is quiet. Lonely. Uninhabited. Except for them. The 510-acre compound is a dense patch of green in the dusty fields north of Waco. Nestling among the shrubbery are a gristmill, a blacksmith shop, a communal farm. Work horses shuffle wearily in their stables. Small green lizards scurry under rows of sunflowers. Her face is dappled by the early morning light filtering through the church windows. She could have been one of the women in their floor-length dresses with each strand of hair obediently pinned out of sight. She could have been one of the close-cropped men sweating submissively in their long sleeves. But she was just a child, and not just a child but an outsider, cowering under a pew while hundreds of plain-dressed men and women simultaneously screamed in tongues.

This story almost ended a mystery as well. My memories flutter in confetti bits like young children’s often do… Chigger bites at the stained-glass shop. Pecan pie made with some healthy alternative to sugar. Six lanky brothers playing bluegrass on homemade banjoes. A gray-haired grandmother’s pregnant belly. Group songs about a man whose limbs were cut off for praising God. Moonlit rides home after the adults’ hushed meetings. The point is that I remember. When I finally got up the courage to ask about this group, several years ago, I was told I was never there. We both knew it was a lie–the forced shrug, the too-casual change of subject, the thin hope my questions would go away. But some questions can’t be shrugged away. I desperately needed to understand the first fourteen years of my life and why they were kept so far from my grasp. I’ve asked questions, I’ve scoured my memory, I’ve Googled every term I could think of. And finally, today, I found the answers. The group has taken a new name and is under investigation, but nothing has really changed. This part of the story is a history text, the factual treatment of shocking information that you expect to culminate in disaster. 

It started with a group of disillusioned New Yorkers and a mishmash of Pentecostal and Anabaptist beliefs, but mostly with a man. He claimed he was the voice of God. He promised to simplify their lives if only they packed up, moved across the country with him, and promised to pool their future resources for “the church.”Most of his followers enjoy the chance to play Little House on the Prairie in isolation from the secular world. They carve their own furniture and bake their own bread. They plow their fields à la Pa Ingalls and sing together instead of watching television in the evenings. But not all their beliefs are so innocuous. Wedding rings are banned for being a “pagan” custom, as are Christmas trees and makeup. Members are discouraged from visiting doctors, treating sickness instead with herbal remedies and prayer. They do not get Social Security numbers or college degrees, trying so hard to disassociate themselves from the outside world that they even cut off family ties. They are advised to use severe physical punishment on their children, including infants. Any member who disagrees with the leadership’s spiritual “revelations” is publicly humiliated and kicked out of the group. People are free to leave, of course, but they are reigned in by the terrible fear of lost salvation. The leader’s interpretation of theology says that no one’s place in heaven is secure, and his followers live a desperate existence of trying to adequately please God. Children who don’t speak “in tongues” (supposedly a special language that God understands though it sounds like gibberish) are told they aren’t saved. Families are told that their relatives living elsewhere in the world are not true Christians. Women are required to home school their children, men are required to work on the compound, and everyone is required to follow strict dress and conduct codes–all to earn their daily salvation at the word of the leader.

Maybe this story is really a John Grisham thriller and I’m the witness that escaped… names lodged in the recesses of my memory, faces peeking out like magazine scraps. However, I feel much more like a character in a psychological tragedy. Emotions broadside me in quick succession, each hit heavier than the last–shock, repugnance, comprehension, affirmation, pain. I’ve heard of support groups for cult survivors; what about those of us who were never officially part of the cult, but didn’t escape either? This kind of thing is only supposed to happen between book pages, snapped shut on a shelf in quiet disregard… Not in the real stories, the ones that are still being written and rewritten and survived.

20Mar

The Family Stain

Now, I’m going to need to get your medical background. Does anyone in your extended family have a history of diabetes?

No.

Cancer?

No.

Heart disease?

Nope.

Anything else we should be concerned about?

No.

Well…

Except for depression and divorce and racism and sexual abuse and religious fanaticism and betrayal and lying and lying and lying and violence and does repeatedly buying into pyramid schemes count? Well, financial squandering then, and alienation and mistrust and selective ignorance and censorship and suicide and hate and always the secrets.
*****

Family history clings like a spider web this time of year. It comes with the clouds, draping over me like shreds of rubber cement. Or maybe it’s just this week, which has kicked my ass Chuck Norris style. Or maybe it’s this coming Sunday, Easter, which has always ranked as my least favorite of all least-favorite holidays (President’s Day and Take It In The Ear Day* coming in close behind).
*****

(Lapse in thought here. Both girls have decided to cry rather than sleep this afternoon, and the kitchen that was finally(!) clean(!) for twenty(!) whole minutes this morning has taken revenge by sprouting wok-shaped mold, and the computer I’ve been using since my laptop died has belatedly joined the writer’s strike, and I’m TIRED. Chuck Norris, etc.)

(I’m sorry. That turned out much more like stream-of-consciousness whining than the excuse-my-disjointed-thoughts disclaimer I intended. I’m off to take an absolutely necessary nap, and then? Please excuse my disjointed thoughts.)
*****

I know everyone’s got a messed-up family to a degree, and some of you are laughing right now because your family could SO take my family in a fist fight. But my history–the gnarly fabric of generational flaws–is plenty difficult for me to shoulder. I want it gone. Undone. Far, far away from me and my dear husband and my precious little girls. I often wake from nightmares, eyes wide as oceans in the dark, praying that I could just bleach out the stain of my name.

Unfortunately, that’s not going to happen, and it probably shouldn’t. Their mistakes, stark and magnified in my perspective, have taught me a lot of ways not-to-be. And Easter, that holiday reeking of ugly lace dresses in frigid, too-early mornings, of confiscated baskets full of candy I wasn’t allowed to taste, of back-to-back-to-back church activities and lengthy descriptions of Jesus’s death that I was far too young to handle? I have the chance to do it right with my new little family, and if not right, at least better. We can have giggly Easter egg hunts and celebratory meals with friends and sleeping late in a cozy, cuddly nest and so much love our minds will spin out into the stratosphere, far beyond nightmares, pain, and this inherited human stain.


* December 8th. Look it up! Or don’t.

18Mar

Somebody Loved

“Now my feet turn the corner back home;
Sun turns the evening to rose;
Stars turning high up above;
You turn me into somebody loved.”
~ The Weepies

You,
With the impossibly tiny fingers curled up like primrose petals;
With pure baby laughter floating up from your heart in iridescent bubbles;
With your snackable cheeks and ticklish tummy and nose like a dab of frosting just begging to be kissed;

Design by Natalie

You,
With dancing beams of multi-colored energy;
With the daily explosions of learning, bursting out of your hands, mouth, eyes;
With your baby innocence, your little-girl mischievousness, and your big-girl loveliness peeking out all at once;

Natalie attack

You,
With the eyes that send my stomach butterflies into delighted pirouettes;
With inexhaustible hope, optimism, and humor like prismatic wind chimes reflecting the sun;
With whole-heart hugs that engulf every unspoken emotion;

Dinner date

You turn me…

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