Mortification Monday, v. 1.0 (Disclaimers here)
Chapter 4: Underlining Love!!!

When we last left our protagonist, she was dealing with prophetic visions of marrying another man. Paisley ties were involved, and horrors abounded, horrible horrors of a genitalian nature. I know you all have been in suspense these last two weeks, wondering if Bethany’s fate is indeed sealed. Has Igor Dreamboat’s destiny as her husband been dashed upon the rocky shores of Southern Baptistism? (Deep breath now…)

Thursday, February 20^th ₁ (Age 12)
“Tonight was the [₂] play. I am [lead female character], and Igor was my husband again.₃ He has been each time for the 3 plays we’ve done so far. But I don’t really mind.₄ I’ve liked Igor ever since I first saw him, many years₅ ago. Mrs. Dreamboat has been desperately trying to make a match of us since she first saw me₆, and I’m sure that he likes me. He has said that he would pick me to marry out of the 12 girls in our class, and he acts like he likes me if putting his arm around me and looking straight into my eyes, and talking like he likes me,₇ means anything. It does to me. I really, really like him.₈ He’s really sweet.₉”

₁ Technical note: This journal entry was written exactly one (1) day after the nightmare entry. Apparently, since the nausea-inducing marriage did not, in fact, “come to pass” within 24 hours of my dream, I was in the clear. Or, there’s a remote possibility that I slightly exaggerated my panic of the previous day… Not that I am was ever dramatic or anything…

₂ Name of play deleted in order to yadayadayada, etc.

₃ Class, we call this “foreshadowing.” Also “literary irony.”

₄ Again with the saintly not-mindingness… Obviously, my passion ran deep.

₅ And–are you all taking notes?–we call this “hyperbole.”

₆ I was only five when she first saw me, and her enthusiastic praise of my good behavior MAY not have been a direct invitation to marry her son… but otherwise, this statement is the plain and unembellished truth.

₇ Guys, are you paying attention? Forget talking dirty. Talking like you like a girl is the most direct way to convey your love and secure a place in her heart diary. Spread the word!

₈ Really.

₉ Really.₁₀

₁₀ Listen up, class. Sometimes, underlining can be used to emphasize a word. We call this a “rhetorical device.” Other times, underlining can be used to emphasize the point that you are a twelve-year-old girl who needs a social life, a bigger chest, and a double dose of Valium ASAP.

Next time on Mortification Monday: I objectively psychoanalyze our relationship — without underlining a single word!

Mortification Monday, v. 1.0 (Disclaimers here)
Chapter 3: Man of my Nightmares

When we last left Bethany and Igor, he had just taken their physical relationship up a notch–in public–leaving her embarrassed, “surprized,” and generously resolving to still like Igor, him being the love of her life past two months and all. But will their passion stand the test of time? Especially now that, merely two journal entries into their relationship, Bethany finds herself considering marriage with another man?

Wednesday, February 19^th (Age 12)
“Last night I had a very vivid dream about 23 (or so) year-old Darrell Pritchard wanting me to marry him. There had just been a confrence about dreams having significant meanings, and I’m scared.₁ It didn’t help, either, that at the confrence tonight, Darrell sat right in front of me. I don’t know why, but it almost makes me sick to look at him.₂ Some people just look like that to me.₃ I really hope I don’t have to marry him, but that dream was very vivid and realistic.₄ I pray that it won’t come to pass.₅”

₁ Our church religiously followed the 14^th Commandment of Southern Baptists (right behind [12] “Thou shalt respect the potluck and keep it overabounding, lo, in bakedeth beans,” and [13] “Thou shalt maketh no less than five altar calls during any one church function, including potlucks”): “Thou shalt conduct frequent conferences in which the congregation will [a] be slain in the Spirit, [b] doubt their salvation and thus rededicate their lives to Christ, or [c] learn about hidden spiritual meanings.” It was at one of these conferences that I learned red-heads have divine powers (::flexes muscle of divinity, no other muscles being available at the moment::). At another conference, I learned that being “slain in the Spirit” generally involves being knocked over the head by an evangelist with very divine muscles. At yet another conference, I learned that demons were living under my bed. (That particular conference turned into a year-long children’s Sunday School curriculum, during which I slept not, nor did I slumber.) And at the “confrence” described in the above entry, I learned that dreams are no different than real life. Think Freud with an oversized Bible, a paisley tie, and the lingering aroma of baked beans.

₂ I did know, actually, but was too scandalized to put it in writing. Darrell had one of those blank journals churchgoers use to write down sermon notes or play MASH with their friends, and the cover of his featured Leonardo da Vinci’s “Vitruvian Man.” Which has genitalia. GENITALIA! ::12-year-old self goes to throw up repeatedly::

₃ People with genitalia, that is.

₄ Oh crappeth.

₅ It didn’t. In fact, I played in the orchestra for his wedding, babysat his children, and even worked under for him one summer during college. However, I never quite recovered from the shock of dreaming I would have to marry a man with genitalia.

(You really should see how hard I’m laughing right now.)

Next time on Mortification Monday: Wedding plans focus back on Igor, with underlining galore!

Mortification Monday, v. 1.0
Chapter 2: Getting Physical

When we last left our heroine, she had finally admitted for the first time in twelve years the depth of her feelings for Igor Dreamboat (his personality, his company, and his theoretical willingness to marry her being paramount). However, two entire months of daily journaling pass without another mention of her soul-mate. Have Bethany’s feelings abated? Has Igor dropped off the face of the earth? Have enthralling family events like the purchase of “Star Wars” on VHS and desserts containing sugar driven everlasting love temporarily from Bethany’s mind?₁

₁ Yes.

Not to worry. Igor quickly recaptures her attention with a bold move:

Tuesday, February 4^th (Age 12)
“Today, in classes, Igor did something which totally surprized me (and embarrassed me a little). We were rehearsing our play for “[play title removed due to identifiable nature]”₂ and I was standing ₄line next to Igor. Mrs. Dreamboat told me to scoot a little closer, and when I did, Igor put his arm around me — in front of everybody.₅ I’ve always₆ liked Igor, and I’ve heard from other people that he liked me, but he’d never told me. It’s kind of nice to know that my feelings for him are mutual.₇ I still like him just as much, though.₈”

₂ Let’s pretend it was something impressive and culturally insightful, like “Fiddler on the Roof” or “The Vagina Monologues.”₃

₃ It wasn’t.

₄ in

₅ Oh, the embarrassment! Oh, the surprize!

₆ For two whole months!

₇ Those feelings being undying love and devotion, as evidenced by his physically touching my shoulders and my journaling about him incessantly twice.

₈ How noble of me to continue liking him even though he showed affection to me. Sign me up for sainthood now!

Illustration Alert: This entry is accompanied by seven hearts, one of which is pierced by an arrow greatly resembling a fork, and two of which have faces [presumably Igor’s and mine, though the female heart has half a perm — wishful thinking?] accentuated by puckered, thrice-Botoxed lips. There is also, inexplicably, the word “HHHHIIIIIIII.”

Next time on Mortification Monday: My dreams foretell a romantic future of… nausea?

Mortification Monday, v. 1.0

Disclaimer #1: Do not be tempted to enjoy the following saga of love and heartbreak; it is a tragedy of epic proportions and, as such, tragic. In fact, you will be begging me to end it after the 482^nd straight week of teenage melodrama. I promise.

Disclaimer #2: In the interest of not getting sued, I have changed The Boy’s name to Igor Dreamboat. Frequent characters include his mother Mrs. Dreamboat, his younger brother Habib, and various friends whose names have also been changed to protect their identities. (Lucky twits.) Otherwise, just imagine a giant [sic] after every entry.

Disclaimer #3: I was the product of a family that made the Flanders look like hedonistic liberals. (I mean, the Flanders occasionally ate pork products which are specifically forbidden in Leviticus 11. Plus, they knew about beer, which is so heinous a sin that God forgot to mention it in the Bible.) Please keep in mind that I no longer call my parents “Mommy and Daddy” or believe God’s divine purpose for my life is for me to marry Igor Dreamboat.

Disclaimer #4: Editor’s commentary will appear in footnotes.

Disclaimer #5: This is much more painful for me than it is for you.

Chapter 1: In the Beginning
Saturday, December 7^th (Age 12)
“Igor is number 1 on my list of boys.₁ I’ve always liked him, admired his personality, and enjoyed his company. He said, out of all the girls in our class, he would pick me to marry.₂”

₁Don’t get too attached to the brief and factual nature of this journal entry. I soon master the art of hyperbole. Also bi-polarism.

₂According to his mother, who also happened to be my teacher. Please note that this qualifies as a formal proposal. At age 14, he was hypothetically willing to marry me! Out of all the girls IN OUR CLASS!

_{3, even though there wasn’t actually a 3}Dan would like me to point out that not only was this my very first mention of Igor, this was an entire journal entry. Introduction, character development, conflict, resolution, conclusion. (See footnote #1 regarding brevity, etc.)

Next time on Mortification Monday: Igor publicly demonstrates his love for me!