Last Friday, I scheduled my day to the minute in a desperate attempt to manage the ever-growing piles of more on my task list. I got the laundry sorted and washed and hung and folded—75 minutes total. I unpacked the suitcases from a week of overnight trips—35 minutes. I schlepped armloads of misplaced toys to the girls’ room, picture books back on shelves, plastic pineapples back in the pink bin—20 minutes. I cooked lunch—20. I washed the windows—30. I prepared side dishes for the next day’s Thanksgiving bash—90. I replied to an important e-mail—25. I transcribed piano chords in preparation for Sunday’s stage fright—50. I cleaned the kitchen, twice—25 and 15. I took care of the girls as practically as possible since every moment counted, and I kept my hands occupied with busy work during my hour of “down time” with Dan. I did not enjoy a single damn minute of that day. (I’m sure my family didn’t either.)
The weekend was too busy for me to process more than the immediate needs of each moment, but this Monday has been an empty four-lane highway on which I find myself… lost. No idea how to enjoy myself now that I have a little leeway. It feels like I have an eating disorder when it comes to time management… starving myself for relaxation and then binging on it, restlessly, resenting myself equally both ways. Of one thing I am sure: This is no way to live.
Not being able to marinate in my daughters’ scrumptious smallness because the house is cluttered? Not venturing more than a longing glance into the glorious, leafy backyard because my inbox needs taming? Denying myself the satisfaction of sitting down to write until my fingers feel like foreign languages because guests are slotted into our weekly calendar? Obeying the whims of the mundane and losing sight of beauty, of fun? No, no, no, this is no way to live.
And yet… I have no protocol in place for reigning in a full schedule. After all, like I frequently grumble to my husband on gorgeous Saturday mornings, someone has to do the dishes. Now that our lives have taken a turn for the normal—stuff to do, places to go, people to see—my inner perfectionist is stretched just as thin as my inner hermit. I can’t manage it all, and I suck at the pursuit of happiness; my priorities always seem to end up in favor of the tasks I enjoy the least. (Why does this happen, I ask?) It seems responsible, I guess, to dust cobwebs from dark corners when I really want to be painting with the girls.
But continual productive grumpiness is availing me nothing, and really… Responsibility is simply no way to live.
oh I hear you– do I ever hear you– that terrible pull between the extremes. something I heard recently that I really liked, “you’ll never get it all done, so relax already” and if you think about it– we never will get it all done– so I guess there’s breathing room in there somewhere . .. let me know if you figure it out– I sure want to find the balance, too!
Oh, honey. I just typed The Perfect Comment and then the stupid OpenID thingy ate it. To recap: maybe if it’s the schedule that helps you stay on track, schedule in the fun things, too. Or…set a timer and get as much done as possible, and then go off and play in the backyard with your girls. Read a book, write your book. You have to give time to yourself, not just the kitchen floors.
And…I found some Vanilla Coke Lipsmackers, and have been gleefully enjoying them myself. I am going to try to find it in my heart to SHARE, though, and am still keeping my eyes peeled. As for now, I have delicious smelling LIPS.
Yes. Yes. Yes! I totally hear you. I am (as you already know) a deadline girl. I twirl around and squander my time doing who-knows-what until…CRAP! I have no underwear! Or JEANS! Then I take two days and do ALL of the laundry. Sort, wash, dry, fold, put away… And, once I am done I gaze into my laundry room–now empty–and block the door so nobody can put ANY dirty clothes into my EMPTY laundry room. Now, you know I cannot guard the door forever. Someone ALWAYS sneaks in there and puts dirty clothes into a pile. So, I ignore it, and then it starts all over again.
That is the hardest part about being a stay at home mom, I think. All of the tasks we do every day are invisible. Every task is never ending. No matter what you do, no matter what you cross off of your “to do” list, the same things get put right back on there the next day, the next meal, the next room you peer into. You are NEVER done. EVER. This makes it hard to ever feel accomplished, or even productive. When my husband comes home from work, I bet it is hard to decipher what I do around here all day. (That is why I deep clean the kitchen when he his home. He can see me scrubbing around for three hours and the kitchen looks……the same. How gratifying!) This gives me the space to save the breakfast dishes and do them after LUNCH. Or even while I am cooking DINNER, if I don’t have guests coming over. I take time for myself EVERY day (unless there is a deadline to meet) and I am SO MUCH HAPPIER when I do. And guess what? So is EVERYONE ELSE! So, give yourself permission to make yourself happy. I bet everyone else follows your lead!
Crap. I forgot to thank you for your wonderful comment….THANK YOU!
You CAN’T manage it all…and here’s the thing: no one can. So you’re not only not alone but you are right in there with the rest of us, and really, where else would rather be?
would YOU rather be? stupid typo fingers of mine!
Bethany,
Monday morning I said, “I have way to much to get done today.” And my ever-pragmatic husband said very kindly, “So, I guess some of it won’t get done.”
I know it seems silly but it was an eye opener for me. Okay, so some of it won’t get done. I made my to-do list MUCH smaller after that, only writing down what could realistically be done. (Deep breath.) I don’t know, somehow it really helped.
May you have meaningful down time today to counter all that Mom busyness!
Love,
Rachelle
P.s. No cleaning before I come, and I get to do dishes and occupy children while I am there!
Elizabeth – I suspect that that ever-elusive balance is a complicated blend of motivation, Zen thinking, caffeine, Valium, and not-being-an-adult. I’ll have to do some experiments and get back to you.
Sam – I just updated the OpenID software a few hours before your comment, which was apparently a big, fat, comment-eating mistake. Sorry! I’ll go pray to the gods of WordPress and see if I can get it fixed. Anyway, scheduling time for fun is one of those brilliant-simple ideas that everyone (me) thinks she should have thought of first. 🙂 I want to try it!
Megsie – You crack me up! Scrubbing the kitchen for three hours to get it to look exactly the same…. ohhhhhhh. These are giggly tears, I promise. If laundry weren’t my favorite of the household chores, I’d probably block off the laundry room too. Think I can get away with roping off the kitchen or the girls’ tornado zone of a room?
Liz – I really do wonder sometimes what idiot figured out we should only have 24 hours in a day so that I can go beat him up. I mean, just think what we could get done with 48 hour days! Or 72! Or 96! 🙂
Rachelle – Meaningful down time is easier said than done since it requires my brain to slow down and join forces with my heart… and also since to-do lists like to sneak off and multiply when I’m not looking. But I know it’s worth the effort, and your husband is right — not everything will get done anyway. This shouldn’t be such a hard concept to master, should it?