It’s the third full day of some eerie symptomless sickness that has left me bedridden. There’s no pain or congestion or nausea or anything out of the ordinary except for a vast hollowness where my head used to be, and even reading ten pages of a book tires me out. In between the heavy sleeping and the dizzy waking, I’ve been thinking. It’s nice to be able to think without responsibility, when no one expects you to be coherent or figure out so much as a lunch menu.
I’ve thought a lot about the upcoming elections and America’s future. I have little faith in candidates’ platforms, though I am concerned what McCain and Obama plan to do regarding our drowning economy. I find myself drawn toward the candidate exhibiting the most sincere goodwill toward people—not America’s status in the world, not its corporate wealth, not any generalized patriotic ideals—but individuals who are struggling to pay their rent. Who can’t afford health care (raise your hand, anyone?). Who don’t make enough to support their families because of corrupt corporations and an impersonal government. Who feel cheated by decisions our leadership never adequately informed us about (no names, but it rhymes with Shmiraq). Our nation needs a hefty dose of TLC.
I pretty much keep my political ideas confined to 1) my husband, who has always respected what I think, and 2) my own head, because people are pretty polarized about the presidential election and I have no immediate death wish. So no, I won’t tell you who I’m voting for… but here’s a hint: If you’re Alaskan, we may or may not agree. ::Grin::
My thoughts of late have also been occupied with family life. I am a hopeless perfectionist, and my addled brain has latched onto the following ideal of motherhood:
- Takes the kids for daily hikes, nature walks, and/or camping trips. Teaches survival skills, knot-tying, etc.
- Structures each day according to Somebody-or-the-Other’s accredited theory of education, packing spare knowledge into all empty spots of the day and raising bright-eyed geniuses. Creepy nighttime learning tapes optional.
- Plays regular sports with the family. Kids get a wide enough exposure to athletics that they can make educated decisions whether they want to become MBA players or make the Olympic curling team.
- Converts a portion of the house into a communal art studio, complete with miniature canvases, safety glass scissors, and sippy cups of gel medium.
- Earns the nickname Mrs. Montessori for her colorful playroom always stocked with dress-up clothes, abaci, and imagination enhancement drugs.
- Reigns over her little domestic kingdom in high heels and oven mitts, singing supercalifragilistic ditties to scare toys into place and always baking something light and fluffy. By age four, kids would know how to scrub grout and make perfect quiche.
I feel like I’m just now waking up and OMG! I have spawn! and OMG! I have no parenting archetype! It feels a lot like the flu. I’ve done a lot of problem-solving over the last 3.6 years—figuring out how much rice cereal to fix at a time, how to battle diaper rash, how to get a stubborn toddler to stay in her bed—and I’ve relied heavily on mamalove to fill in the gaps. It’s not a bad way to parent. And yet, I want incredibly special girlhoods for my daughters. I want them to remember a mother who was fully present with them, not constantly thinking about writing or worrying about the dirty house. I want us to use our imaginations together and create sparkling memories, whether we’re learning multiplication tables or simply having a ticklefest.
I haven’t done a good job getting my genetic anxiety under control, and OMG! it’s time for me to relax and enjoy life already. Especially with my little girls, who matter 1,000,000% more than anything I spend my time worrying over. So now the question: How to parent more purposefully without stressing out about all the versions of mother I am not? Because I so am not a sports person. Survival skills I have none. We have no space for dress-up clothes, and I don’t even know how to use gel medium. Something tells me that I don’t have to be perfect at everything in the world to be a great mom, but that something has a “Kick me” sign stuck to its bum, compliments of my brain. Stupid brain.
My bedridden thoughts have also drifted toward holiday gifts and Matt Damon and tarte tatin and how I really should shower once this week and I’m just going to stop there. After all, sick people aren’t responsible for hygiene any more than they are for perfect parenting or political involvement. OMG! whew.
Shame on you: wanting to vote for someone who cares.
Though you your palms get sweaty at the thought of heights, and you have trouble hitting a ball over a net…you are an excellent Lego Jedi! And you apparently can Yoga the hell out of Wii fit! Our girls are lucky…and love dancing, and singing, and giggling with you =D
Love you dear sweet friend! Hope you feel better soon! Your precious children are so blessed to have a mom like you. Your love goes a long way…
I have to say that I’m pretty upset about politics as well. I’m so sick of it all that I’ve thought about not voting. I know I should (it’s VERY important, I know), but both of the candidates make me sick. I really need to make my decision within the next few weeks. As for creativity, I’m right there with you. Conlan is still so small though that he doesn’t understand scissors (we’ve tried) and he still eats paint. You’re doing a great job, and when you are up to creating, create! Go for it! Cheap construction paper and pens/crayons/markers work great! Hope you feel better!!
Your brain is making me have to go lie down now. 😛
One thing I always thought about parenting: happy parent = happy kids. Don’t try to make things perfect. Your kids just want to spend time with you and know that you love them. It seems to me you’re more than perfect at that part!
*this comment is either extremely funny or reflects extremely bad taste…you’ve been warned*
Not sure if you were aware of this, but you probably shouldn’t wish supercalifragilistic-anything on your girls.
Daniel – Two days later, and I still keep giggling over “yoga the hell out of wii fit.” I’m stealing that to use as my claim to fame.
DeAnn – It definitely reaches to Texas. 🙂
Kelly – I think I must have blocked out construction paper for awhile… That’s a good idea!
Liz – Yeah, my brain does that to me sometimes too. And I do think you’re onto something there about the happy parents, happy kids.
Tom – Haha, I was actually thinking about that skit when I wrote the Mary Poppins bit.